How much should we change to please our partner? I guess this is the leading burning question for the week. I ask this question because of a recent incident involving a teenager. She was prepared to undergo a $12,000 surgery to reconstruct her face so that she could look as aesthetically close to Jessica Alba as surgically possible. She confessed that she is doing it so that she could win her ex-boyfriend back. You see, her ex-boyfriend had apparently dumped her on the most superficial ground: her looks, her physical appearance. We can all debate about the foolishness of such a decision until kingdom come but we cannot escape answering the question I asked earlier: How much should we change to please our partner? Of course, some would be put off by this question. It seems so one-sided, unfair and unidirectional. Why should I bother to change just to please him or her? Shouldn’t it be the other way round? The more discerning amongst us would phrase the question differently. Shouldn’t it be a two-way street? Both must change for the better for each other? Doesn’t a successful marriage take two?
Well, a marriage indeed takes two to make it work. The union is nevertheless about two lives merging into one flourishing whole. But sometimes, in some marriages, over the long enduring years, the hearts have grown tired, faint and discouraged. I believe that there is no relationship as oxymoronic as marriage. It is the hardest struggle to keep a marriage but it is also the most rewarding. I think this catchphrase captures the sentiment well: “Nothing that is worth achieving in this life is going to be easy.” And making marriage work is the most rewarding of all endeavors and yet it is also the most demanding, physically and emotionally. A marriage can be as wild as an impetuous, rebellious child where one spouse’s needs must always be first at the expense of the other spouse. Or a marriage can be as rock solid as a cornerstone where the couple are always looking out for each other to ensure that the other spouse’s needs are met before his or hers. In between these two extremes are most marriages. A famous feminist writer once wrote, “Today the problem that has no name is how to juggle work, love, home and children.”
Well, if I may put a name to this age-old problem, it would be “loveless relationships”. A lot of us are trapped in a loveless marriage or relationship. I think the worse kind of relationship is to be “dis-engagingly involved”. Another oxymoronic term? This happens when we are in a relationship out of obligation. We are imprisoned by the marriage covenant. Imagine the plight of Jacob when he spent seven years to work for his dream girl, Rachel, only to find out that his future father-in-law had duped him into marrying her less pleasant looking older sister, Leah! Well, Jacob may have been cheated by his father-in-law to marry Leah but, in doing so, he had unknowingly punished Leah by keeping up with the appearance of a marriage without truly loving her in return. In other words, Jacob was trapped in a loveless marital relationship with Leah and the latter was made the victim of this unfortunate union. Well, I guess nothing is more heartbreaking than to be sleeping with your husband while he dreams of another woman.
Of course, the story of Jacob is pushing marital realities to the extreme. None of us can say that we are actually “duped” by our father-in-law to marry someone other than our chosen bride at the altar. Our circumstances are obviously different from Jacob’s. We married by autonomous choice. In other words, we married with our eyes and hearts opened. We chose our bride or bridegroom for the “corniest” of all reasons: Because we love her/him. So, I can safely say that when we unveiled our bride at the altar, it was “Rachel” beaming at us and not “Leah”. You can therefore say that we have got a 7 years good head-start as compared to Jacob. But a start is just a start. What would the middle of our marriage be, or the end of it shows? Beloved, a good start does not mean a happy ending. What is missing in most marriages is unconditional love. Another corny reason?
Our love becomes unconditional when we raise no expectation from our life partner. Our love becomes unconditional when we put his or her interests above our own. Our love becomes unconditional when we choose to see the good in our life partner despite the flaws and focus on nurturing the good so that it overshadows all his or her flaws. For it has been said, “What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is always beautiful.” We all know that God is good and therefore He is always beautiful. And because we are all created in His image, God’s beauty resides in us without exception. Can we therefore see the good in our life partner? Beloved, our spouse has a beauty inside that is waiting to be unearthed, can you spare the time and the discipline to discover it?
This reminds me of an anecdote from one of America’s most enterprising empire-builders, Andrew Carnegie. He was once asked, “How did he develop men to become so valuable?” Mr Carnegie replied, “You develop people in the same way you mine gold. When you mine gold, you must literally move tons of dirt to find a single ounce of gold. However, you do not look for the dirt – you look for the gold!” Do we see the gold in our life partner, or we just see the overwhelming dirt that hides the gold?
Let me suggest that we plant seed everyday to make our marriage work and flourish. By seed, I mean an acronym for “Selfless, Emotionally-Engaging Discipline”. However you see it, a marriage is nevertheless a form of discipline. It takes a consistent, focused effort to make it work. It cannot therefore depend on fleeting feelings because like a bad hair day, feelings fluctuate. We need to rekindle the passion by making marriage the beginning of courtship and not the end. The pursuit should and must never end with a kiss at the altar. Maybe we should see our marriage as the start of another pursuit and it is the pursuit to know more about our life partner. Make your discovery last a lifetime because it takes a lifetime to learn from each other.
In this pursuit, let’s be selfless. This is of course easy to vocalize but hard to actualize. But the seed I urge you to plant starts with a small, insignificant act that ultimately culminates to something formidably effective at the end. One thing I learned about life is this: Big changes come after small ones. I guess the first step to becoming selfless is to put your spouse’s interests first. It also involves respecting what she or he has to say. Lastly, it requires your unwavering support for and understanding of him or her. It is said that the secret to ultimate happiness is the conviction that you’re loved. All of us want to be loved. This is the reason why we survive and thrive on this earth. In fact, most marriages fail not because of an increase in conflict but a perpetual decrease in affection and emotional responsiveness. Beloved, don’t take the natural path to emotional decay by sinking deeper and deeper into a loveless marriage. Renew your passion daily. Celebrate your love for each other ostentatiously. And continually acknowledge and respect each other’s deepest and most personal hopes and dreams. Remember there is a beauty in all of us that awaits discovery. So, make the effort to discover it and see your love for each other soar to greater heights of passion!
Lastly, we come to the emotional aspect of seed. When we make every effort and discipline to set ablaze our passion for each other, we become emotionally engaged with our life partner and genuine love will gush forward like a broken dam. This is not an everyday experience of course. The rough and tough realities of life will conspire together to ensure that we do not experience endless, boundless passion. But, having said that, I’d like to add that the rough and tough realities of life should not in any way damper our passion for each other. If we resolve to make our marriage work, no price is too much for us to pay and no efforts are too hard for our undertaking. Remember what I said earlier, “It is the hardest struggle to keep a marriage but it is also the most rewarding.”
So, you are deserving of a successful marriage and it is therefore your responsibility to make it so. Let me end with this touching quote from Dr Joyce Brothers, “Love is something we all yearn for, and to live and be loved is the most blissful state imaginable. But what is love? The best definition, I feel, is caring as much for the aims and welfare of another person as you do about your own aims and well-being. During my late husband’s long illness, I realized that I would have gladly given up my own life if his would be saved, and I knew how deeply a woman could love. Too many people mistake the sweaty palms and dizzy exhilaration of a romantic encounter for love.”
No comments:
Post a Comment