Friday's Recap (290509)

Dear Cell, last Friday we talked about evil people. Who are they? Can we identify them when we see them? How bad should one be to be labeled as evil? Does Hitler qualify? How about Saddam Hussein? How about ordinary common folks? Surely, everyday people like us cannot be considered even remotely evil in our thoughts and actions? Well, if the searchlight is shone on us, maybe, just maybe, our thoughts are bad or sometimes lurid or indecent. Maybe our conversations are at times a little crude and coarse. Maybe we lie once in a while, more like a little white lie, and generally no one is hurt. But do we lump all that together and call it evil? How about those fantasies in our mind that we have repented from? How about the jealousy and envy we allow ourselves to nurse over time without considering the impact they have on our spirit? How about the angry responses we gave to our loved ones that exceeded our good judgment?

To some people, these are not bad thoughts or actions; they are just part and parcel of growing up. They are unavoidable flaws in our character. They are part of what it is to be human. None of us is perfect. So, stop trying so hard – so they say.

Well, they got one thing correct…we are not perfect. This is my point. We are all flawed in one way or another. Last Friday, we did a simple exercise. I drew a horizontal line. I called this line the moral continuum. Somewhere in the middle of this line I marked it as “zero”. Then, at one end, I wrote “Good” and at the other opposite end, I wrote “Bad”. I then asked the cell to put the names of anyone they personally think are good and bad along this line. Mark volunteered and placed the “one-eyed dragon” (a recently convicted loanshark) on a point along the line close to the end marked “Bad”. Even closer to this end, Nigel offered Judas Iscariot. Well, I personally would place Hitler further along this murky end.

As for the “Good” side, none of the cell could give me a name. Well, no one offered mother Theresa, Gandhi or Obama (the last name still has half-a-lifetime to prove himself worthy, I guess). After much deliberation, one of the cell members actually did her patriotic duty and placed one locally famous name at a point close to the end marked “Good”. It is none other than our Minister Mentor, Lee Kuan Yew. Kudos to our cell members, who are at least politically correct.

This exercise may make one feel silly but it brings out my point about bad people. If we look long and hard in the mirror, we would realize that we are far from perfect. Our position on the moral continuum is never fixed. We shuttle from one point in the moral line to the other. One day, we are good in our speech and conduct by our own standards. Another day, we lose our temper and end up close to the point marked “Bad”. Even ordinary people who lead ordinary lives are sometimes not so ordinary when forced by circumstances beyond their control.

In America, there was a mother who reported to the police that her car was stolen with her two young children inside. She said that the hijacker drove the car off a bridge into a lake. When the car was hauled up from the bottom of the lake, the police discovered the bodies of her children. Investigation showed that the children were in fact sleeping when the car crashed into the lake. The police and the community then joined forces to search for the car-jacker. But he was never found. Later, the police discovered that the mother had lied to them. There was no robber. It was all made-up. Confronted by the police, the mother confessed that she had in fact drugged her own children and drove the car into the lake herself. She explained that her actions were caused by her depression. Is this the thoughts and action of an insane mother or is she plain evil?

How about another real-life anecdote to demonstrate the banality of evil? There was a successful pastor who was the apple of his congregation’s eye. His sermons were inspiring. His ministry was making good progress. And his congregation was growing. But one day, he was confronted by one of his members who had heard a disturbing accusation against him. Rumors have it that he was sleeping around with his female church members. Instead of admitting his discretions and repenting from it, the pastor justified it by saying that he was doing his female congregants a favor. He said that he only slept with women with low self-esteem. By giving himself physically to them, he was actually building up their self-esteem!

A professor once said that “to understand evil, we must set aside the comfortable belief that we would never do anything wrong. Instead, we must begin to ask ourselves, what would it take for me to do such things?” Indeed, from a biblical perspective, we are born of corruptible seeds and, given the opportunity, we are all susceptible to corruption. For it is written that the true test of one’s character is to give a man power and sees what he does with it. History has shown beyond a doubt that power, money and sex are the true axles of evil. Of course, in themselves, they are amoral. But the problem is that power, money and sex do not exist in a social-political vacuum. What is the use of money or power if it is not possessed by a man or women? And the relationship between possessing power or money and abusing them is a very thin red line. I sincerely believe that a rich and powerful man is a magnet for all kinds of temptations. But of course, he is not a pawn in the hands of wealth or power. In other words, money or power does not rob a man of his free will.

I have heard of inspiring testimonies of great men and women of status who are least tempted to corruptibility by money and power. But equally, there are discouraging stories to show otherwise. The point here is that we are all fallible and the Bible puts it well when it says that no man is without sin. Jeremiah 17:9 affirms that “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” Goethe once said, “while man’s desires and aspirations stir, he cannot choose but err.” All of us fell short. Even the best of us, at the best of times, and given the best of efforts, also fell short.

It is told of a priest who did missionary work in some remote part of Africa. He was so devoted to his work that he was incorruptible. However hard the devil tried to lead this priest to temptation, to sin and to wrong doings, the priest was able to parry them off and maintain his focus and devotion. One day, the devil held a conference and asked for suggestion to bait the priest to sin. Many suggestions were given and many tried and tested but failed miserably. Well, all of them failed except for one. A demon actually suggested that this message be passed to the priest, “his brother has been made a bishop by the Vatican.” That did the trick. I am sure some of you guys can identify with the priest when it comes to nursing a bruised ego.

Recently, I read a shocking survey carried out at a university campus. One of the survey questions was “if you could get away scot-free for raping a female classmate, would you do it?” The answer? Well, about 33% said they would do it. I guess those 33% were the honest ones.

Last Friday, I handed out a list of questions for the cell to reflect upon and they are as follows:-
a) Do you find yourself “upset” when you need to be calm?
b) Do you lie when it would be better to tell the truth?
c) Would you rather be right even if it wrecks a relationship?
d) Do you hate accepting responsibility and blame others even when you know you are wrong?
e) Do you worry about things you can’t control?
f) Do you fear even when there is nothing to worry about because it feels normal?
g) Are you intolerant of people who are not like you even when you are interested in knowing them?
h) Do you use the excuse that you are a victim whenever it is useful?

The above list of selected questions are taken from the book, Flawless, authored by Louis A. Tartaglia. M.D. Take your time to reflect on them and be honest with your answers. In the cell last Friday, some of you confessed to certain glaring flaws that have implicated your relationships.

For me, my main gripe is about the need to be right even when the cost of being right is to end up miserable and feeling lousy. In an argument with my wife, I used to insist that she was wrong and I was right. My insistence had costs me a peace of mind. It took me some time to realize that I had been barking up the wrong tree all this while. I had basically failed to understand her before I insist that she understands me. One rule that I keep close to my chest whenever my wife and I have any conflict of opinions is this: Women discuss feelings; Men discuss facts.

This is my rule of thumb. I have to see it her way first and not mine. In most arguments, my wife is not looking to be right. She just wants me to understand how she feels about an issue while suspending the manly urge to cast judgment, take sides or toe the line. She doesn’t want solution before I could fully understand how she feels about the issue. Of course, ultimately, to make any progress in any relationship, the parties have to deal with what’s right and what’s wrong. But in a verbal cudgel with the opposite sex, it is all about timing. The men are like snipers. They go right into the issue – no small talk, no fussing. They ensure that it is a case of one bullet, one kill. Once the facts are laid out bare on the table, the men churn out solutions like a mathematician would solve a mathematical puzzle. While women want the solution in the end, the point is that it has to come only in the end. Any earlier and the men would be accused of being insensitive, impersonal, or inattentive. So, it is best to reserve your judgment in an exchange with the opposite sex. Listen empathetically. And don’t make the mistake of telling her the diagnosis before you fully understand how she feels about the issue. This takes patience, discretion and a whole lot of loving tender care. It is a one lesson that I am still learning today.

In the book, the author made an incisive observation about character flaw by writing that it is not about the number of flaws we have that determine how great we are. It is the willingness to change them that really counts. I believe that great men and women of history have their flaws. Biblical characters of old are a good example of flawed personalities. We have vain and imperfect kings, doubting leaders, complaining prophets and timid disciples. What makes them great and memorable are not their flaws, although it is somewhat comforting to know that they are as human as humans can be. They are great because they ultimately come to terms with their flaws and allow God to change them for the better. In the eyes of God, what is more important is not who’s good or bad. It is who’s lost and who’s found. To a man or woman who is willing to change, there is nothing so bad that would condemn him for life. All it matters is a willing heart and the hands and life will follow ultimately.

Let me end with a quote I took from one of the blog which spoke directly and personally to me, “No one is so good that forgiveness isn’t needed. No one is so bad that forgiveness isn’t offered.”

Have a chockfull week of self-examination and correction!