Last Friday, we tackled the question, “Do you agree that Christian life is restrictive?” The discussion was discerningly mature. Many issues were dealt with. We talked about Paul’s practical advice, “Everything is permissible; but not all things are beneficial.” We discussed about whether one can be a homosexual and a Christian – all in one lifetime.
We discussed about freedom of choice, responsibility of our actions and accountability for the consequences. And we discussed about setting the right boundaries for a right living. These issues are intimately linked to the question on whether Christian life is restrictive. And I am glad to say that as a cell group, as a body of Christ, we are open-minded and inclusive. Some of you even surprised me with your answers on the scenario I posed to you called “Sophie’s Choice”. Let me recap.
My earnest wish is that none of us should have to go through the moral dilemma that is called Sophie’s Choice. During the third Reich, when many Jewish families, young and old, were deported to the concentration camps to be massacred in the makeshift gas chambers, a Nazi camp guard forced a Polish mother (named Sophie) to choose whom she wanted to send to the gas chamber: her 7-year old daughter or her young son. Sophie chose her daughter.
Imagine the painful irony of being bestowed such a perverted power of life and death over your own flesh and blood. After the war, Sophie lived the rest of her life in abject depression, lamenting over the choice she’d made. Indeed, some of the choices we make in life will haunt us to our grave. Our choices have consequences. So, true freedom of choice is not so much about having the potential ability to make endless choices but having the conscience to live with the consequences arising from our choices.
Well, last Friday, I posed a not so heart-rending “Sophie’s choice” dilemma to the cell and the answers I got were a breath of fresh air. My scenario was like this: If you have to choose between a lousy heterosexual Christian and a good homosexual Christian to be sent to the gas chamber, who would you choose? I first posed this question to one senior Christian and he told me, without batting an eyelid, “of course I’ll send the good homosexual Christian.”
The impression given by such an answer was that it is oxymoronic to put the two nouns together in one, that is, “Christian” and “homosexual”. To that person, Christians only come in one sex – heterosexual. To say that there is such thing as a Christian homosexual is as good as saying there is such thing as a “married bachelor” or a “two-eyed Cyclops”. Well, I have to say, to each his own answers, to each his own conviction. But I have to admit that I was distraught by the answer that is so unthinkingly given.
So, what were our cell group’s answers? Well, it is comforting to know that the answers did not come at lighting speed. Many eyelids were batted. Hesitation and long pauses were the common interim answers. It was not an easy choice and if a choice had to be made, it was definitely not made on the basis that it is oxymoronic to put Christian and homosexual together. If it were up to me, I would have to toss a coin to decide, which many of you agreed.
But, two notable answers given by two of our cell members brought a delightful twist to the whole moral dilemma. One said that she would rather volunteer herself than to sacrifice others. Well, you can’t get any more Christ-like than that. And another thought hard and said, “the good homosexual Christian”. The member then explained that the good homosexual Christian had a sure ticket to heaven. In fact, the member believed he would not even feel the fiery torment as God would have robbed his spirit before that. That’s not the end of it. The member then went on to say that he would spend his time to minister to the lousy heterosexual Christian to make sure he measures up eventually. Well, notwithstanding the very unconventional answer given, one has to give the member A-star for his good and noble intentions!
So, this brings us to the question, Is Christian life restrictive? Well, the answer would, at first, be a resounding yes if you are a Quaker. The Quakers live a life of simplicity or they engage in the practice of plain-ness. Generally, they denounce materialism, extravagance and profligacy. Most of them live without a power grid. This means that they do not have television, washing machine or even a toaster. Theirs is a puritan’s existence of strict diet, worship and tradition. Even the style and color of their clothings are similar to their neighbors. Surely, the last point would be a nightmare to a modern-day teenager all dressed up for the prom!
But all these are but just external physical manifestations of an internal spiritual conviction. If you put a Quaker together with a twenty-first century Christian teenager, notwithstanding their different lifestyles and tastes, I would not be surprised if both of them say that they do not find their religious life restrictive for the simple fact that they would willingly subject their choices to certain biblical principles which, taken as a whole, give them the freedom to live their life with meaning and purpose. This brings me to the crux of my message. Pastor Timothy Keller once said, “Freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones.”
Marriage is a good example of true freedom within boundaries. Many of my divorce clients, quite naturally, find the marriage vows dated, restrictive and stifling. They say monogamy is man-made and has no historical precedent. This means that marriages of ancient past do not restrict a husband to only one marital partner. It is therefore unnatural to be monogamous in a marriage. If Solomon could have one thousand marital unions, why shouldn’t a man have a few affairs, so the logic goes. To these clients, the equation is simple, monogamy is restrictive but bigamy is not. My reply to them would be simply, At what cost?
There is a price to everything in the end. Our choices have consequences. Remember Sophie’s choice? Objectively speaking, the emotional pain and traumas left behind by an unfaithful spouse is not worth the days spent wantonly betraying the trust a loved one reposes on another. What’s more, should a divorce ensue, it is not only devastating to the unfaithful spouse, it sometimes causes irremediable damage to the other spouse and the children, both emotionally and physically.
It is not uncommon for the hatred and pain to linger on for years and for the children of broken families to become bitter and rebellious. So, the price of a series of one-night stands can end up being too much to bear for the adulterer, the victim and their offspring. In the end, a life lived in regrets and pain is not what a life of true freedom is meant to be.
Beloved, a successful marriage is all about “restrictions”. Once we say “I do”, the next fifty years or so are mostly about “I don’t”. “I do” to love you in my lifetime means saying “I don’t” to a number of things. The boundaries are therefore set for you. The same way that a fish cannot swim outside water, you, as a spouse, cannot do a lot of things you were free to do when you were a swinging hot bachelor or bachelorette.
Most importantly, within the sanctity of a marriage, saying “I do” at the altar means that it is incumbent on you to say “I don’t” to leaving your spouse when times are bad, when things do not go your way, when she gets old, when a prettier thing comes along, or when the feeling of love is no longer as pronounced as before. The beauty of marriage is growing old together and enjoying the fruits of your marriage. Beloved, true freedom is committing to make your marriage work at all costs because the reward and personal satisfaction at the end of the day is worth every ounce of effort put in, every sacrifices made and every time spent. Seen in this light, a successful and enduring marriage is not restrictive, it is in fact liberating.
When I proposed to Anna, I drafted a 50-page booklet to her parents. In this booklet, there is a quote which I would like to share with you about committing to your marriage.
“Making a commitment to marriage as an institution is not a sentencing. It’s intent is to offer security and stability. Commitment significantly eases the fear of abandonment. When we were young and unable to take care of ourselves, we worried about becoming lost in a crowd, forgotten while waiting to be picked up at school, or left alone by dying parents. Fears like these persist throughout our lives. We shudder at the thought of abandonment. That’s why a spouse’s promise to remain devoted means so much.
Your partner will be loyal through every kind of circumstances. That frees you in a radical way. It allows you to be yourself at the deepest of levels, to risk and grow, to be absolutely authentic without any fear of being abandoned.
A marriage can endure many affronts, whether from within or without, if the commitment to marriage as an institution is strong. It takes this kind of commitment for growth to occur.”
So, beloved, marriage is a lot of hard work. But the labor of love brings forth much fruits. Staying in love is hard work. Staying out of it is easy but the price paid can make us emotionally bankrupt. A fish has total freedom to swim in the vast ocean. By staying in waters, the fish is nourished. It grows. It flourishes. It finds true freedom. But should a fish tempt fate and decide to venture onto land, it faces instant death. So, the boundaries set in our marriage aim to keep us safe, secured and strong; not to mention, fulfilled. But once we breach its boundaries, we face the consequences. And for most of these consequences, it can be fatal and terminal.
Indulge me now and let me pour this fresh water poem into your marriage. Read it and allow it to refresh you.
“I will be with you no matter what happens to us and between us.
If you should become blind tomorrow, I will be there.
If you achieve no success and attain no status in our society, I will be there.
When we argue and are angry, as we inevitably will, I will work to bring us together
When we seem totally at odds and neither of us is having needs fulfilled, I will believe that it can work, and I will want it to work, and I will do my part to make it work.
And when all is wonderful and we are happy,
I will rejoice over our life together,
And continue to strive to keep our relationship growing and strong.”
So, let me end by saying that true freedom is to create your own meaning and purpose. Ultimately, you have to make the right choice and the right choice will lead you to a life of no regrets. Is Christian life restrictive? Our cell is unanimous on this, it is not. It is not because it is a life worth living. Of course, if what brings meaning to you is to enjoy yourself and be as rich as you can in one short life span, then a Christian life can clip your wings and hold you back. It can even be a hindrance to you because in this secular world, making it to the top means that you would have to compromise your Christian values most of the time.
Of course, there are rich authentic Christians as well as false ones but what distinguishes them is their heart. It is an inner spiritual conviction that brings about an external physical manifestation. The order cannot be reversed like what the Pharisees had done. The Pharisaic life had much restriction without any meaning or purpose. They obeyed for their own sake. Their “holiness” was ultimately a form of self-worship. But an authentic Christian life is liberating because his obedience brings about a genuine internal conversion that results in a lifetime of blessings not only to himself but to all those who have ever met him.
Beloved, human beings are most free and alive in relationships of love. Paradoxically, love is the most constraining force on earth as well as the most liberating. The greatest love is God’s love. It is the most important relationship to a Christian and also the most personally fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus went all the way to the cross for this love. And it is this love that will see us through life’s most trying circumstances because it breathes life and meaning to all other relationships.
Have a love-filled weekend!
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