Dear Cell, last Friday we talked about evil people. Who are they? Can we identify them when we see them? How bad should one be to be labeled as evil? Does Hitler qualify? How about Saddam Hussein? How about ordinary common folks? Surely, everyday people like us cannot be considered even remotely evil in our thoughts and actions? Well, if the searchlight is shone on us, maybe, just maybe, our thoughts are bad or sometimes lurid or indecent. Maybe our conversations are at times a little crude and coarse. Maybe we lie once in a while, more like a little white lie, and generally no one is hurt. But do we lump all that together and call it evil? How about those fantasies in our mind that we have repented from? How about the jealousy and envy we allow ourselves to nurse over time without considering the impact they have on our spirit? How about the angry responses we gave to our loved ones that exceeded our good judgment?
To some people, these are not bad thoughts or actions; they are just part and parcel of growing up. They are unavoidable flaws in our character. They are part of what it is to be human. None of us is perfect. So, stop trying so hard – so they say.
Well, they got one thing correct…we are not perfect. This is my point. We are all flawed in one way or another. Last Friday, we did a simple exercise. I drew a horizontal line. I called this line the moral continuum. Somewhere in the middle of this line I marked it as “zero”. Then, at one end, I wrote “Good” and at the other opposite end, I wrote “Bad”. I then asked the cell to put the names of anyone they personally think are good and bad along this line. Mark volunteered and placed the “one-eyed dragon” (a recently convicted loanshark) on a point along the line close to the end marked “Bad”. Even closer to this end, Nigel offered Judas Iscariot. Well, I personally would place Hitler further along this murky end.
As for the “Good” side, none of the cell could give me a name. Well, no one offered mother Theresa, Gandhi or Obama (the last name still has half-a-lifetime to prove himself worthy, I guess). After much deliberation, one of the cell members actually did her patriotic duty and placed one locally famous name at a point close to the end marked “Good”. It is none other than our Minister Mentor, Lee Kuan Yew. Kudos to our cell members, who are at least politically correct.
This exercise may make one feel silly but it brings out my point about bad people. If we look long and hard in the mirror, we would realize that we are far from perfect. Our position on the moral continuum is never fixed. We shuttle from one point in the moral line to the other. One day, we are good in our speech and conduct by our own standards. Another day, we lose our temper and end up close to the point marked “Bad”. Even ordinary people who lead ordinary lives are sometimes not so ordinary when forced by circumstances beyond their control.
In America, there was a mother who reported to the police that her car was stolen with her two young children inside. She said that the hijacker drove the car off a bridge into a lake. When the car was hauled up from the bottom of the lake, the police discovered the bodies of her children. Investigation showed that the children were in fact sleeping when the car crashed into the lake. The police and the community then joined forces to search for the car-jacker. But he was never found. Later, the police discovered that the mother had lied to them. There was no robber. It was all made-up. Confronted by the police, the mother confessed that she had in fact drugged her own children and drove the car into the lake herself. She explained that her actions were caused by her depression. Is this the thoughts and action of an insane mother or is she plain evil?
How about another real-life anecdote to demonstrate the banality of evil? There was a successful pastor who was the apple of his congregation’s eye. His sermons were inspiring. His ministry was making good progress. And his congregation was growing. But one day, he was confronted by one of his members who had heard a disturbing accusation against him. Rumors have it that he was sleeping around with his female church members. Instead of admitting his discretions and repenting from it, the pastor justified it by saying that he was doing his female congregants a favor. He said that he only slept with women with low self-esteem. By giving himself physically to them, he was actually building up their self-esteem!
A professor once said that “to understand evil, we must set aside the comfortable belief that we would never do anything wrong. Instead, we must begin to ask ourselves, what would it take for me to do such things?” Indeed, from a biblical perspective, we are born of corruptible seeds and, given the opportunity, we are all susceptible to corruption. For it is written that the true test of one’s character is to give a man power and sees what he does with it. History has shown beyond a doubt that power, money and sex are the true axles of evil. Of course, in themselves, they are amoral. But the problem is that power, money and sex do not exist in a social-political vacuum. What is the use of money or power if it is not possessed by a man or women? And the relationship between possessing power or money and abusing them is a very thin red line. I sincerely believe that a rich and powerful man is a magnet for all kinds of temptations. But of course, he is not a pawn in the hands of wealth or power. In other words, money or power does not rob a man of his free will.
I have heard of inspiring testimonies of great men and women of status who are least tempted to corruptibility by money and power. But equally, there are discouraging stories to show otherwise. The point here is that we are all fallible and the Bible puts it well when it says that no man is without sin. Jeremiah 17:9 affirms that “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” Goethe once said, “while man’s desires and aspirations stir, he cannot choose but err.” All of us fell short. Even the best of us, at the best of times, and given the best of efforts, also fell short.
It is told of a priest who did missionary work in some remote part of Africa. He was so devoted to his work that he was incorruptible. However hard the devil tried to lead this priest to temptation, to sin and to wrong doings, the priest was able to parry them off and maintain his focus and devotion. One day, the devil held a conference and asked for suggestion to bait the priest to sin. Many suggestions were given and many tried and tested but failed miserably. Well, all of them failed except for one. A demon actually suggested that this message be passed to the priest, “his brother has been made a bishop by the Vatican.” That did the trick. I am sure some of you guys can identify with the priest when it comes to nursing a bruised ego.
Recently, I read a shocking survey carried out at a university campus. One of the survey questions was “if you could get away scot-free for raping a female classmate, would you do it?” The answer? Well, about 33% said they would do it. I guess those 33% were the honest ones.
Last Friday, I handed out a list of questions for the cell to reflect upon and they are as follows:-
a) Do you find yourself “upset” when you need to be calm?
b) Do you lie when it would be better to tell the truth?
c) Would you rather be right even if it wrecks a relationship?
d) Do you hate accepting responsibility and blame others even when you know you are wrong?
e) Do you worry about things you can’t control?
f) Do you fear even when there is nothing to worry about because it feels normal?
g) Are you intolerant of people who are not like you even when you are interested in knowing them?
h) Do you use the excuse that you are a victim whenever it is useful?
The above list of selected questions are taken from the book, Flawless, authored by Louis A. Tartaglia. M.D. Take your time to reflect on them and be honest with your answers. In the cell last Friday, some of you confessed to certain glaring flaws that have implicated your relationships.
For me, my main gripe is about the need to be right even when the cost of being right is to end up miserable and feeling lousy. In an argument with my wife, I used to insist that she was wrong and I was right. My insistence had costs me a peace of mind. It took me some time to realize that I had been barking up the wrong tree all this while. I had basically failed to understand her before I insist that she understands me. One rule that I keep close to my chest whenever my wife and I have any conflict of opinions is this: Women discuss feelings; Men discuss facts.
This is my rule of thumb. I have to see it her way first and not mine. In most arguments, my wife is not looking to be right. She just wants me to understand how she feels about an issue while suspending the manly urge to cast judgment, take sides or toe the line. She doesn’t want solution before I could fully understand how she feels about the issue. Of course, ultimately, to make any progress in any relationship, the parties have to deal with what’s right and what’s wrong. But in a verbal cudgel with the opposite sex, it is all about timing. The men are like snipers. They go right into the issue – no small talk, no fussing. They ensure that it is a case of one bullet, one kill. Once the facts are laid out bare on the table, the men churn out solutions like a mathematician would solve a mathematical puzzle. While women want the solution in the end, the point is that it has to come only in the end. Any earlier and the men would be accused of being insensitive, impersonal, or inattentive. So, it is best to reserve your judgment in an exchange with the opposite sex. Listen empathetically. And don’t make the mistake of telling her the diagnosis before you fully understand how she feels about the issue. This takes patience, discretion and a whole lot of loving tender care. It is a one lesson that I am still learning today.
In the book, the author made an incisive observation about character flaw by writing that it is not about the number of flaws we have that determine how great we are. It is the willingness to change them that really counts. I believe that great men and women of history have their flaws. Biblical characters of old are a good example of flawed personalities. We have vain and imperfect kings, doubting leaders, complaining prophets and timid disciples. What makes them great and memorable are not their flaws, although it is somewhat comforting to know that they are as human as humans can be. They are great because they ultimately come to terms with their flaws and allow God to change them for the better. In the eyes of God, what is more important is not who’s good or bad. It is who’s lost and who’s found. To a man or woman who is willing to change, there is nothing so bad that would condemn him for life. All it matters is a willing heart and the hands and life will follow ultimately.
Let me end with a quote I took from one of the blog which spoke directly and personally to me, “No one is so good that forgiveness isn’t needed. No one is so bad that forgiveness isn’t offered.”
Have a chockfull week of self-examination and correction!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday's Recap (220509)
Dear Cell, last Friday we talked about our super-sense, the far sightedness of faith. As scientists fall back on science to discover the complexities of this cosmos (many, many universes), we Christians fall back on faith to discover the simplicity of the Creator of this cosmos. Needless to say, our faith has been a target of atheistic mockery because faith to them is an unfounded feeling, based on nothing the eyes can see, and as empty as the vacuum of space.
But let’s not be so quick to cast judgment on either side. As Christians, we have to accept that atheists have a point. Our faith is based on feeling, unsubstantiated by science and unrepeatable in scientific experiments. Hebrews 11:1 already put that definition beyond dispute when it says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” So, if you are looking for God to manifest himself to you in all His splendor and glory in the sky just above you on a particular date and for a particular time, before you commit to believe, then Christianity is not for you. You would do better worshipping gravity since, thanks to Newton, we know it exists, we can measure its strength and we can base all things in motion on it.
Anna recounted a joke about a class being challenged by their teacher to prove the existence of God. “Where is God?” the teacher taunted the class. “Show him to me to see.” A student then jumped out and said, “So, you must see to believe?” The teacher replied, “yes”. The student then smiled and said, “Teacher, have you seen your brain?” Well, this joke, which is faintly funny, would not be applicable today because the brain appears in all science textbooks. We can even describe our brain and name the various sections. Even preschoolers can tell you what a brain looks like since they are basically all alike. Some can go further and tell you that the brain is as soft as tofu, literally. So, the teacher in the above example, if she was given a chance to reply, would say, “Yes, I have seen my brain. Now, show me your God?”
If the atheist is honest enough and is willing to suspend judgment, he would have to accept that the brain doesn’t define you – the whole you, that is. The brain is a mystery. How it works is a mystery. How you, with all your eccentricities, emotions and creativity, emerge from the soft tofu we call brain is also a mystery. Neuroscientists conveniently define the mind as what the brain does. They say the mind emerges from the brain through complex neural connectivity. And this explains the mind as the seat of your personality and as the center of who you really are, which encompasses all your feelings, memories and future aspirations.
Well, the dots have yet to be connected. The missing link to connect the brain and the mind is still missing. It cannot be proved with scientific certainty that the mind emerges from the interconnectivity of our millions and millions of neurons. Just like evolution has yet to make the definitive leap to prove that tree-climbing chimpanzees evolved gradually to become civilization-designing human beings. But of course, to their credit, there is convincing evidence that evolution works on many levels from a single-nucleus cell to a complicated organism. But there are still mysteries yet to be solved and science has a short reach on this – albeit it is making positive progress.
Of course, we can rely on science on many things in life. We subject our children to study it. We live our life by its every dictates and precepts. We cannot imagine a world without science. It is like a world without music or worse, a world without love. But when it comes to questions about our origin, about how our universe evolved and about how the cosmos came to being, all scientists are as tongue-tied as theists. Some scientists have coined the term “eternal inflation” to explain the beginning of all things. They attribute “eternal inflation” as the first spark of all things we see today, that is, the beginning of universes, the milky-way, the galaxies, the solar system, our planet, and us. But when it comes to proving it, they are flat-nosed. Now, can Christians do any better? We are equally flat-nosed. While the scientists offer the concept of “eternal inflation”, we Christian introduce the entity called “eternal God”. Both are unproven, beyond evidence.
Beloved, love and faith are unseen evidence of how alive we are. No one can see love or measure faith but they are as real as the things our eyes can see and our hand can touch. God can communicate to you through this tangible page you are reading. He can also communicate to you through an inner prompting, a discerning intuition or a calm assurance, of which no other person or machine can document or record. His reality starts from inside of us and is later manifested in the reality our eyes can see. Much of what is not seen forms the building block of what is seen.
Our world as we know it, feel it and see it is created or upheld by much of which is immaterial and intangible. If you look out of the sky, into space and peer into the darkest region of our galaxy and stargaze into the galaxies of other galaxies, you will discover that the invisible rules. Scientists have recently discovered that what the human eyes can see constitutes only 0.01% of the entire composition of the cosmos. Imagine that! Only 0.01% is within our range of sight - the rest of which forms what scientists call “dark matter” and “dark energy”. What are they? Well, nobody knows for sure. Even if you could strip matter down, sub-atomic layer by layer, you will discover that the fundamental building block of all things material is invisible energy.
Indeed, if we only believe those things that our eyes can see, then we would be hard pressed to live life to its fullest. We will have to suspend our judgment and decision on a lot of things. Of course, some are clearly able to do it. Many dismiss the existence of God because the concept of God to them is not falsifiable or proved wrong. But as Christian, we rely on our faith to believe that God exists in the same way that atheist scientists rely on “faith” to come up with a hypothesis called “eternal inflation” to account for our existence. Quite crudely, you can say that theist and atheist alike have their own belief or pet religion.
So, where do we stand?
In Psalms 61:2, there is this assurance, “when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” As Christians, this is where we stand, on the rock that is higher than us. The rock of all ages. The rock upon which the church is built. This is our blessed assurance. Our unshakable foundation. At this vantage point, we may not know all things. Our knowledge, just like the scientists or atheists, is limited. Our intellectual reach falls short. But we can rest assured and by faith that this rock of God stands taller than all other rocks of time. This rock will endure the test of time to prove that the beginning indeed has a beginning. It also has a Creator. You can call this Creator by any scientific-sounding names like “eternal inflation”, “endless universes” or “quantum fluctuation”, but the names do not change the name of all names, and that is, Jehovah God.
Let me end with this whimsical quote from an astronomer, Robert Jastrow, “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.”
Ps: Yesterday, we also talked about experience as the best teacher in life. We all agreed that experience is a tough teacher. Many of us have life’s scars to show. Some of us come from broken families. Some of us have to endure a cheating spouse. Some of us have to suffer the pain of the death of a loved one. All these experiences add up to life’s maturity and we either flourish or flounder under the pressure.
Zen wrote a letter to us last Christmas about her own personal experiences in relationships. She wrote, “Whatever it is, the world has taught us that we are, firstly, very imperfect human living on this earth and secondly, we absolutely have no control over external events in our lives. We can try our best in marriages, friendships, family relationships, colleagues…But we absolutely cannot make it the best we want because it also depends on the willingness of the other party, and we know we are working together with yet another imperfect human.”
Indeed, all our relationships are flawed in one way or another. When asked at the cell meeting what we want to see in our spouse, the common answers were more patience, more smiles and more communication. While one spouse yearns for closeness, the other desires unspoken understanding. Beloved, our relationships cannot survive without deliberate physical and emotional intimacy. Note I deliberately used the word “deliberate”.
A marriage has no problem surviving honeymoon. It usually lasts only one or two week and it is the apex of marital intimacy and love. The relationship is usually the strongest during the honeymoon period. A marriage can also endure the first few years of living together when one’s fault and flaws are generally tolerated. But as the years roll by, as the strain of living together grows heavier, we become disillusioned, weary and cynical.
Beloved, don’t wait until emotional divorce steps in before we do something about our marriage. We need to pour new wine into new wineskin every day to keep the magic of marriage aflame. We need deliberate intention and effort. And the best time to do so is to consecrate time every day to engage in physical and emotional intimacy with the one we love. I sincerely believe that if you can be physically intimate with your spouse you can share anything with her and she can share anything with you. What we need here is not to find a new love, but to find new ways to love our forever love.
Be creative with her or him. Do something outrageous with her. Show him your naughty side. Sometimes, married couples need to be like children in the bedroom. Play childish games. Tickle one another. Hide the bolster or pillow. Let your imagination loose. Be anything to her or him but resist, at all costs, to be a stiff-necked, decent, protocol-abiding grown up in the bedroom. Practise intimacy with her every night, or at least three times a week, and spare just 30 mins each session, and watch your relationship grow deeper, stronger and richer.
Another thing I shared with you guys last Friday is Luke 10:38-42. This is the tale of two sisters, Mary and Martha. We all know the story. Martha invited Jesus to her house and she kept herself busy preparing a meal for Jesus. Mary did nothing but sat at Jesus’ feet, listening intently and enjoying his presence. The contrast is glaring. One was at the kitchen whipping up a storm while the other was quietly seated, listening to the one who calmed the storm. After all the commotion, Martha actually went up to Jesus and complained, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” More like a command than a complaint. Then, Jesus answered, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Sadly, many of us lived our Christian life the way Martha lived hers. Martha had opened her house to Jesus but not her heart. She was busy doing and had little time being who Jesus wanted her to be. Jesus said that she was worried and upset about many things but in fact, one thing that is needed. And the one thing is to sit at the feet of Jesus to recharge ourselves, renew our faith and restore our relationship with Him. One-to-one devotion is the one thing that will keep our godly bearing in this Christian life. So, I believe true conversion starts on a very basic and personal level. All our ministry work and services have to find its root at this very basic and personal level.
So, let’s strive for true intimacy not only with our spouse but with our God. Build up lasting relationships that can weather all storms in life. Let’s not get caught up with our own busy-ness that we forgot who we were keeping busy for.
Have a week of intimacy and quiet reflection!
But let’s not be so quick to cast judgment on either side. As Christians, we have to accept that atheists have a point. Our faith is based on feeling, unsubstantiated by science and unrepeatable in scientific experiments. Hebrews 11:1 already put that definition beyond dispute when it says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” So, if you are looking for God to manifest himself to you in all His splendor and glory in the sky just above you on a particular date and for a particular time, before you commit to believe, then Christianity is not for you. You would do better worshipping gravity since, thanks to Newton, we know it exists, we can measure its strength and we can base all things in motion on it.
Anna recounted a joke about a class being challenged by their teacher to prove the existence of God. “Where is God?” the teacher taunted the class. “Show him to me to see.” A student then jumped out and said, “So, you must see to believe?” The teacher replied, “yes”. The student then smiled and said, “Teacher, have you seen your brain?” Well, this joke, which is faintly funny, would not be applicable today because the brain appears in all science textbooks. We can even describe our brain and name the various sections. Even preschoolers can tell you what a brain looks like since they are basically all alike. Some can go further and tell you that the brain is as soft as tofu, literally. So, the teacher in the above example, if she was given a chance to reply, would say, “Yes, I have seen my brain. Now, show me your God?”
If the atheist is honest enough and is willing to suspend judgment, he would have to accept that the brain doesn’t define you – the whole you, that is. The brain is a mystery. How it works is a mystery. How you, with all your eccentricities, emotions and creativity, emerge from the soft tofu we call brain is also a mystery. Neuroscientists conveniently define the mind as what the brain does. They say the mind emerges from the brain through complex neural connectivity. And this explains the mind as the seat of your personality and as the center of who you really are, which encompasses all your feelings, memories and future aspirations.
Well, the dots have yet to be connected. The missing link to connect the brain and the mind is still missing. It cannot be proved with scientific certainty that the mind emerges from the interconnectivity of our millions and millions of neurons. Just like evolution has yet to make the definitive leap to prove that tree-climbing chimpanzees evolved gradually to become civilization-designing human beings. But of course, to their credit, there is convincing evidence that evolution works on many levels from a single-nucleus cell to a complicated organism. But there are still mysteries yet to be solved and science has a short reach on this – albeit it is making positive progress.
Of course, we can rely on science on many things in life. We subject our children to study it. We live our life by its every dictates and precepts. We cannot imagine a world without science. It is like a world without music or worse, a world without love. But when it comes to questions about our origin, about how our universe evolved and about how the cosmos came to being, all scientists are as tongue-tied as theists. Some scientists have coined the term “eternal inflation” to explain the beginning of all things. They attribute “eternal inflation” as the first spark of all things we see today, that is, the beginning of universes, the milky-way, the galaxies, the solar system, our planet, and us. But when it comes to proving it, they are flat-nosed. Now, can Christians do any better? We are equally flat-nosed. While the scientists offer the concept of “eternal inflation”, we Christian introduce the entity called “eternal God”. Both are unproven, beyond evidence.
Beloved, love and faith are unseen evidence of how alive we are. No one can see love or measure faith but they are as real as the things our eyes can see and our hand can touch. God can communicate to you through this tangible page you are reading. He can also communicate to you through an inner prompting, a discerning intuition or a calm assurance, of which no other person or machine can document or record. His reality starts from inside of us and is later manifested in the reality our eyes can see. Much of what is not seen forms the building block of what is seen.
Our world as we know it, feel it and see it is created or upheld by much of which is immaterial and intangible. If you look out of the sky, into space and peer into the darkest region of our galaxy and stargaze into the galaxies of other galaxies, you will discover that the invisible rules. Scientists have recently discovered that what the human eyes can see constitutes only 0.01% of the entire composition of the cosmos. Imagine that! Only 0.01% is within our range of sight - the rest of which forms what scientists call “dark matter” and “dark energy”. What are they? Well, nobody knows for sure. Even if you could strip matter down, sub-atomic layer by layer, you will discover that the fundamental building block of all things material is invisible energy.
Indeed, if we only believe those things that our eyes can see, then we would be hard pressed to live life to its fullest. We will have to suspend our judgment and decision on a lot of things. Of course, some are clearly able to do it. Many dismiss the existence of God because the concept of God to them is not falsifiable or proved wrong. But as Christian, we rely on our faith to believe that God exists in the same way that atheist scientists rely on “faith” to come up with a hypothesis called “eternal inflation” to account for our existence. Quite crudely, you can say that theist and atheist alike have their own belief or pet religion.
So, where do we stand?
In Psalms 61:2, there is this assurance, “when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” As Christians, this is where we stand, on the rock that is higher than us. The rock of all ages. The rock upon which the church is built. This is our blessed assurance. Our unshakable foundation. At this vantage point, we may not know all things. Our knowledge, just like the scientists or atheists, is limited. Our intellectual reach falls short. But we can rest assured and by faith that this rock of God stands taller than all other rocks of time. This rock will endure the test of time to prove that the beginning indeed has a beginning. It also has a Creator. You can call this Creator by any scientific-sounding names like “eternal inflation”, “endless universes” or “quantum fluctuation”, but the names do not change the name of all names, and that is, Jehovah God.
Let me end with this whimsical quote from an astronomer, Robert Jastrow, “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.”
Ps: Yesterday, we also talked about experience as the best teacher in life. We all agreed that experience is a tough teacher. Many of us have life’s scars to show. Some of us come from broken families. Some of us have to endure a cheating spouse. Some of us have to suffer the pain of the death of a loved one. All these experiences add up to life’s maturity and we either flourish or flounder under the pressure.
Zen wrote a letter to us last Christmas about her own personal experiences in relationships. She wrote, “Whatever it is, the world has taught us that we are, firstly, very imperfect human living on this earth and secondly, we absolutely have no control over external events in our lives. We can try our best in marriages, friendships, family relationships, colleagues…But we absolutely cannot make it the best we want because it also depends on the willingness of the other party, and we know we are working together with yet another imperfect human.”
Indeed, all our relationships are flawed in one way or another. When asked at the cell meeting what we want to see in our spouse, the common answers were more patience, more smiles and more communication. While one spouse yearns for closeness, the other desires unspoken understanding. Beloved, our relationships cannot survive without deliberate physical and emotional intimacy. Note I deliberately used the word “deliberate”.
A marriage has no problem surviving honeymoon. It usually lasts only one or two week and it is the apex of marital intimacy and love. The relationship is usually the strongest during the honeymoon period. A marriage can also endure the first few years of living together when one’s fault and flaws are generally tolerated. But as the years roll by, as the strain of living together grows heavier, we become disillusioned, weary and cynical.
Beloved, don’t wait until emotional divorce steps in before we do something about our marriage. We need to pour new wine into new wineskin every day to keep the magic of marriage aflame. We need deliberate intention and effort. And the best time to do so is to consecrate time every day to engage in physical and emotional intimacy with the one we love. I sincerely believe that if you can be physically intimate with your spouse you can share anything with her and she can share anything with you. What we need here is not to find a new love, but to find new ways to love our forever love.
Be creative with her or him. Do something outrageous with her. Show him your naughty side. Sometimes, married couples need to be like children in the bedroom. Play childish games. Tickle one another. Hide the bolster or pillow. Let your imagination loose. Be anything to her or him but resist, at all costs, to be a stiff-necked, decent, protocol-abiding grown up in the bedroom. Practise intimacy with her every night, or at least three times a week, and spare just 30 mins each session, and watch your relationship grow deeper, stronger and richer.
Another thing I shared with you guys last Friday is Luke 10:38-42. This is the tale of two sisters, Mary and Martha. We all know the story. Martha invited Jesus to her house and she kept herself busy preparing a meal for Jesus. Mary did nothing but sat at Jesus’ feet, listening intently and enjoying his presence. The contrast is glaring. One was at the kitchen whipping up a storm while the other was quietly seated, listening to the one who calmed the storm. After all the commotion, Martha actually went up to Jesus and complained, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” More like a command than a complaint. Then, Jesus answered, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Sadly, many of us lived our Christian life the way Martha lived hers. Martha had opened her house to Jesus but not her heart. She was busy doing and had little time being who Jesus wanted her to be. Jesus said that she was worried and upset about many things but in fact, one thing that is needed. And the one thing is to sit at the feet of Jesus to recharge ourselves, renew our faith and restore our relationship with Him. One-to-one devotion is the one thing that will keep our godly bearing in this Christian life. So, I believe true conversion starts on a very basic and personal level. All our ministry work and services have to find its root at this very basic and personal level.
So, let’s strive for true intimacy not only with our spouse but with our God. Build up lasting relationships that can weather all storms in life. Let’s not get caught up with our own busy-ness that we forgot who we were keeping busy for.
Have a week of intimacy and quiet reflection!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday's Recap (150509)
Last Friday, we tackled the question, “Do you agree that Christian life is restrictive?” The discussion was discerningly mature. Many issues were dealt with. We talked about Paul’s practical advice, “Everything is permissible; but not all things are beneficial.” We discussed about whether one can be a homosexual and a Christian – all in one lifetime.
We discussed about freedom of choice, responsibility of our actions and accountability for the consequences. And we discussed about setting the right boundaries for a right living. These issues are intimately linked to the question on whether Christian life is restrictive. And I am glad to say that as a cell group, as a body of Christ, we are open-minded and inclusive. Some of you even surprised me with your answers on the scenario I posed to you called “Sophie’s Choice”. Let me recap.
My earnest wish is that none of us should have to go through the moral dilemma that is called Sophie’s Choice. During the third Reich, when many Jewish families, young and old, were deported to the concentration camps to be massacred in the makeshift gas chambers, a Nazi camp guard forced a Polish mother (named Sophie) to choose whom she wanted to send to the gas chamber: her 7-year old daughter or her young son. Sophie chose her daughter.
Imagine the painful irony of being bestowed such a perverted power of life and death over your own flesh and blood. After the war, Sophie lived the rest of her life in abject depression, lamenting over the choice she’d made. Indeed, some of the choices we make in life will haunt us to our grave. Our choices have consequences. So, true freedom of choice is not so much about having the potential ability to make endless choices but having the conscience to live with the consequences arising from our choices.
Well, last Friday, I posed a not so heart-rending “Sophie’s choice” dilemma to the cell and the answers I got were a breath of fresh air. My scenario was like this: If you have to choose between a lousy heterosexual Christian and a good homosexual Christian to be sent to the gas chamber, who would you choose? I first posed this question to one senior Christian and he told me, without batting an eyelid, “of course I’ll send the good homosexual Christian.”
The impression given by such an answer was that it is oxymoronic to put the two nouns together in one, that is, “Christian” and “homosexual”. To that person, Christians only come in one sex – heterosexual. To say that there is such thing as a Christian homosexual is as good as saying there is such thing as a “married bachelor” or a “two-eyed Cyclops”. Well, I have to say, to each his own answers, to each his own conviction. But I have to admit that I was distraught by the answer that is so unthinkingly given.
So, what were our cell group’s answers? Well, it is comforting to know that the answers did not come at lighting speed. Many eyelids were batted. Hesitation and long pauses were the common interim answers. It was not an easy choice and if a choice had to be made, it was definitely not made on the basis that it is oxymoronic to put Christian and homosexual together. If it were up to me, I would have to toss a coin to decide, which many of you agreed.
But, two notable answers given by two of our cell members brought a delightful twist to the whole moral dilemma. One said that she would rather volunteer herself than to sacrifice others. Well, you can’t get any more Christ-like than that. And another thought hard and said, “the good homosexual Christian”. The member then explained that the good homosexual Christian had a sure ticket to heaven. In fact, the member believed he would not even feel the fiery torment as God would have robbed his spirit before that. That’s not the end of it. The member then went on to say that he would spend his time to minister to the lousy heterosexual Christian to make sure he measures up eventually. Well, notwithstanding the very unconventional answer given, one has to give the member A-star for his good and noble intentions!
So, this brings us to the question, Is Christian life restrictive? Well, the answer would, at first, be a resounding yes if you are a Quaker. The Quakers live a life of simplicity or they engage in the practice of plain-ness. Generally, they denounce materialism, extravagance and profligacy. Most of them live without a power grid. This means that they do not have television, washing machine or even a toaster. Theirs is a puritan’s existence of strict diet, worship and tradition. Even the style and color of their clothings are similar to their neighbors. Surely, the last point would be a nightmare to a modern-day teenager all dressed up for the prom!
But all these are but just external physical manifestations of an internal spiritual conviction. If you put a Quaker together with a twenty-first century Christian teenager, notwithstanding their different lifestyles and tastes, I would not be surprised if both of them say that they do not find their religious life restrictive for the simple fact that they would willingly subject their choices to certain biblical principles which, taken as a whole, give them the freedom to live their life with meaning and purpose. This brings me to the crux of my message. Pastor Timothy Keller once said, “Freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones.”
Marriage is a good example of true freedom within boundaries. Many of my divorce clients, quite naturally, find the marriage vows dated, restrictive and stifling. They say monogamy is man-made and has no historical precedent. This means that marriages of ancient past do not restrict a husband to only one marital partner. It is therefore unnatural to be monogamous in a marriage. If Solomon could have one thousand marital unions, why shouldn’t a man have a few affairs, so the logic goes. To these clients, the equation is simple, monogamy is restrictive but bigamy is not. My reply to them would be simply, At what cost?
There is a price to everything in the end. Our choices have consequences. Remember Sophie’s choice? Objectively speaking, the emotional pain and traumas left behind by an unfaithful spouse is not worth the days spent wantonly betraying the trust a loved one reposes on another. What’s more, should a divorce ensue, it is not only devastating to the unfaithful spouse, it sometimes causes irremediable damage to the other spouse and the children, both emotionally and physically.
It is not uncommon for the hatred and pain to linger on for years and for the children of broken families to become bitter and rebellious. So, the price of a series of one-night stands can end up being too much to bear for the adulterer, the victim and their offspring. In the end, a life lived in regrets and pain is not what a life of true freedom is meant to be.
Beloved, a successful marriage is all about “restrictions”. Once we say “I do”, the next fifty years or so are mostly about “I don’t”. “I do” to love you in my lifetime means saying “I don’t” to a number of things. The boundaries are therefore set for you. The same way that a fish cannot swim outside water, you, as a spouse, cannot do a lot of things you were free to do when you were a swinging hot bachelor or bachelorette.
Most importantly, within the sanctity of a marriage, saying “I do” at the altar means that it is incumbent on you to say “I don’t” to leaving your spouse when times are bad, when things do not go your way, when she gets old, when a prettier thing comes along, or when the feeling of love is no longer as pronounced as before. The beauty of marriage is growing old together and enjoying the fruits of your marriage. Beloved, true freedom is committing to make your marriage work at all costs because the reward and personal satisfaction at the end of the day is worth every ounce of effort put in, every sacrifices made and every time spent. Seen in this light, a successful and enduring marriage is not restrictive, it is in fact liberating.
When I proposed to Anna, I drafted a 50-page booklet to her parents. In this booklet, there is a quote which I would like to share with you about committing to your marriage.
“Making a commitment to marriage as an institution is not a sentencing. It’s intent is to offer security and stability. Commitment significantly eases the fear of abandonment. When we were young and unable to take care of ourselves, we worried about becoming lost in a crowd, forgotten while waiting to be picked up at school, or left alone by dying parents. Fears like these persist throughout our lives. We shudder at the thought of abandonment. That’s why a spouse’s promise to remain devoted means so much.
Your partner will be loyal through every kind of circumstances. That frees you in a radical way. It allows you to be yourself at the deepest of levels, to risk and grow, to be absolutely authentic without any fear of being abandoned.
A marriage can endure many affronts, whether from within or without, if the commitment to marriage as an institution is strong. It takes this kind of commitment for growth to occur.”
So, beloved, marriage is a lot of hard work. But the labor of love brings forth much fruits. Staying in love is hard work. Staying out of it is easy but the price paid can make us emotionally bankrupt. A fish has total freedom to swim in the vast ocean. By staying in waters, the fish is nourished. It grows. It flourishes. It finds true freedom. But should a fish tempt fate and decide to venture onto land, it faces instant death. So, the boundaries set in our marriage aim to keep us safe, secured and strong; not to mention, fulfilled. But once we breach its boundaries, we face the consequences. And for most of these consequences, it can be fatal and terminal.
Indulge me now and let me pour this fresh water poem into your marriage. Read it and allow it to refresh you.
“I will be with you no matter what happens to us and between us.
If you should become blind tomorrow, I will be there.
If you achieve no success and attain no status in our society, I will be there.
When we argue and are angry, as we inevitably will, I will work to bring us together
When we seem totally at odds and neither of us is having needs fulfilled, I will believe that it can work, and I will want it to work, and I will do my part to make it work.
And when all is wonderful and we are happy,
I will rejoice over our life together,
And continue to strive to keep our relationship growing and strong.”
So, let me end by saying that true freedom is to create your own meaning and purpose. Ultimately, you have to make the right choice and the right choice will lead you to a life of no regrets. Is Christian life restrictive? Our cell is unanimous on this, it is not. It is not because it is a life worth living. Of course, if what brings meaning to you is to enjoy yourself and be as rich as you can in one short life span, then a Christian life can clip your wings and hold you back. It can even be a hindrance to you because in this secular world, making it to the top means that you would have to compromise your Christian values most of the time.
Of course, there are rich authentic Christians as well as false ones but what distinguishes them is their heart. It is an inner spiritual conviction that brings about an external physical manifestation. The order cannot be reversed like what the Pharisees had done. The Pharisaic life had much restriction without any meaning or purpose. They obeyed for their own sake. Their “holiness” was ultimately a form of self-worship. But an authentic Christian life is liberating because his obedience brings about a genuine internal conversion that results in a lifetime of blessings not only to himself but to all those who have ever met him.
Beloved, human beings are most free and alive in relationships of love. Paradoxically, love is the most constraining force on earth as well as the most liberating. The greatest love is God’s love. It is the most important relationship to a Christian and also the most personally fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus went all the way to the cross for this love. And it is this love that will see us through life’s most trying circumstances because it breathes life and meaning to all other relationships.
Have a love-filled weekend!
We discussed about freedom of choice, responsibility of our actions and accountability for the consequences. And we discussed about setting the right boundaries for a right living. These issues are intimately linked to the question on whether Christian life is restrictive. And I am glad to say that as a cell group, as a body of Christ, we are open-minded and inclusive. Some of you even surprised me with your answers on the scenario I posed to you called “Sophie’s Choice”. Let me recap.
My earnest wish is that none of us should have to go through the moral dilemma that is called Sophie’s Choice. During the third Reich, when many Jewish families, young and old, were deported to the concentration camps to be massacred in the makeshift gas chambers, a Nazi camp guard forced a Polish mother (named Sophie) to choose whom she wanted to send to the gas chamber: her 7-year old daughter or her young son. Sophie chose her daughter.
Imagine the painful irony of being bestowed such a perverted power of life and death over your own flesh and blood. After the war, Sophie lived the rest of her life in abject depression, lamenting over the choice she’d made. Indeed, some of the choices we make in life will haunt us to our grave. Our choices have consequences. So, true freedom of choice is not so much about having the potential ability to make endless choices but having the conscience to live with the consequences arising from our choices.
Well, last Friday, I posed a not so heart-rending “Sophie’s choice” dilemma to the cell and the answers I got were a breath of fresh air. My scenario was like this: If you have to choose between a lousy heterosexual Christian and a good homosexual Christian to be sent to the gas chamber, who would you choose? I first posed this question to one senior Christian and he told me, without batting an eyelid, “of course I’ll send the good homosexual Christian.”
The impression given by such an answer was that it is oxymoronic to put the two nouns together in one, that is, “Christian” and “homosexual”. To that person, Christians only come in one sex – heterosexual. To say that there is such thing as a Christian homosexual is as good as saying there is such thing as a “married bachelor” or a “two-eyed Cyclops”. Well, I have to say, to each his own answers, to each his own conviction. But I have to admit that I was distraught by the answer that is so unthinkingly given.
So, what were our cell group’s answers? Well, it is comforting to know that the answers did not come at lighting speed. Many eyelids were batted. Hesitation and long pauses were the common interim answers. It was not an easy choice and if a choice had to be made, it was definitely not made on the basis that it is oxymoronic to put Christian and homosexual together. If it were up to me, I would have to toss a coin to decide, which many of you agreed.
But, two notable answers given by two of our cell members brought a delightful twist to the whole moral dilemma. One said that she would rather volunteer herself than to sacrifice others. Well, you can’t get any more Christ-like than that. And another thought hard and said, “the good homosexual Christian”. The member then explained that the good homosexual Christian had a sure ticket to heaven. In fact, the member believed he would not even feel the fiery torment as God would have robbed his spirit before that. That’s not the end of it. The member then went on to say that he would spend his time to minister to the lousy heterosexual Christian to make sure he measures up eventually. Well, notwithstanding the very unconventional answer given, one has to give the member A-star for his good and noble intentions!
So, this brings us to the question, Is Christian life restrictive? Well, the answer would, at first, be a resounding yes if you are a Quaker. The Quakers live a life of simplicity or they engage in the practice of plain-ness. Generally, they denounce materialism, extravagance and profligacy. Most of them live without a power grid. This means that they do not have television, washing machine or even a toaster. Theirs is a puritan’s existence of strict diet, worship and tradition. Even the style and color of their clothings are similar to their neighbors. Surely, the last point would be a nightmare to a modern-day teenager all dressed up for the prom!
But all these are but just external physical manifestations of an internal spiritual conviction. If you put a Quaker together with a twenty-first century Christian teenager, notwithstanding their different lifestyles and tastes, I would not be surprised if both of them say that they do not find their religious life restrictive for the simple fact that they would willingly subject their choices to certain biblical principles which, taken as a whole, give them the freedom to live their life with meaning and purpose. This brings me to the crux of my message. Pastor Timothy Keller once said, “Freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones.”
Marriage is a good example of true freedom within boundaries. Many of my divorce clients, quite naturally, find the marriage vows dated, restrictive and stifling. They say monogamy is man-made and has no historical precedent. This means that marriages of ancient past do not restrict a husband to only one marital partner. It is therefore unnatural to be monogamous in a marriage. If Solomon could have one thousand marital unions, why shouldn’t a man have a few affairs, so the logic goes. To these clients, the equation is simple, monogamy is restrictive but bigamy is not. My reply to them would be simply, At what cost?
There is a price to everything in the end. Our choices have consequences. Remember Sophie’s choice? Objectively speaking, the emotional pain and traumas left behind by an unfaithful spouse is not worth the days spent wantonly betraying the trust a loved one reposes on another. What’s more, should a divorce ensue, it is not only devastating to the unfaithful spouse, it sometimes causes irremediable damage to the other spouse and the children, both emotionally and physically.
It is not uncommon for the hatred and pain to linger on for years and for the children of broken families to become bitter and rebellious. So, the price of a series of one-night stands can end up being too much to bear for the adulterer, the victim and their offspring. In the end, a life lived in regrets and pain is not what a life of true freedom is meant to be.
Beloved, a successful marriage is all about “restrictions”. Once we say “I do”, the next fifty years or so are mostly about “I don’t”. “I do” to love you in my lifetime means saying “I don’t” to a number of things. The boundaries are therefore set for you. The same way that a fish cannot swim outside water, you, as a spouse, cannot do a lot of things you were free to do when you were a swinging hot bachelor or bachelorette.
Most importantly, within the sanctity of a marriage, saying “I do” at the altar means that it is incumbent on you to say “I don’t” to leaving your spouse when times are bad, when things do not go your way, when she gets old, when a prettier thing comes along, or when the feeling of love is no longer as pronounced as before. The beauty of marriage is growing old together and enjoying the fruits of your marriage. Beloved, true freedom is committing to make your marriage work at all costs because the reward and personal satisfaction at the end of the day is worth every ounce of effort put in, every sacrifices made and every time spent. Seen in this light, a successful and enduring marriage is not restrictive, it is in fact liberating.
When I proposed to Anna, I drafted a 50-page booklet to her parents. In this booklet, there is a quote which I would like to share with you about committing to your marriage.
“Making a commitment to marriage as an institution is not a sentencing. It’s intent is to offer security and stability. Commitment significantly eases the fear of abandonment. When we were young and unable to take care of ourselves, we worried about becoming lost in a crowd, forgotten while waiting to be picked up at school, or left alone by dying parents. Fears like these persist throughout our lives. We shudder at the thought of abandonment. That’s why a spouse’s promise to remain devoted means so much.
Your partner will be loyal through every kind of circumstances. That frees you in a radical way. It allows you to be yourself at the deepest of levels, to risk and grow, to be absolutely authentic without any fear of being abandoned.
A marriage can endure many affronts, whether from within or without, if the commitment to marriage as an institution is strong. It takes this kind of commitment for growth to occur.”
So, beloved, marriage is a lot of hard work. But the labor of love brings forth much fruits. Staying in love is hard work. Staying out of it is easy but the price paid can make us emotionally bankrupt. A fish has total freedom to swim in the vast ocean. By staying in waters, the fish is nourished. It grows. It flourishes. It finds true freedom. But should a fish tempt fate and decide to venture onto land, it faces instant death. So, the boundaries set in our marriage aim to keep us safe, secured and strong; not to mention, fulfilled. But once we breach its boundaries, we face the consequences. And for most of these consequences, it can be fatal and terminal.
Indulge me now and let me pour this fresh water poem into your marriage. Read it and allow it to refresh you.
“I will be with you no matter what happens to us and between us.
If you should become blind tomorrow, I will be there.
If you achieve no success and attain no status in our society, I will be there.
When we argue and are angry, as we inevitably will, I will work to bring us together
When we seem totally at odds and neither of us is having needs fulfilled, I will believe that it can work, and I will want it to work, and I will do my part to make it work.
And when all is wonderful and we are happy,
I will rejoice over our life together,
And continue to strive to keep our relationship growing and strong.”
So, let me end by saying that true freedom is to create your own meaning and purpose. Ultimately, you have to make the right choice and the right choice will lead you to a life of no regrets. Is Christian life restrictive? Our cell is unanimous on this, it is not. It is not because it is a life worth living. Of course, if what brings meaning to you is to enjoy yourself and be as rich as you can in one short life span, then a Christian life can clip your wings and hold you back. It can even be a hindrance to you because in this secular world, making it to the top means that you would have to compromise your Christian values most of the time.
Of course, there are rich authentic Christians as well as false ones but what distinguishes them is their heart. It is an inner spiritual conviction that brings about an external physical manifestation. The order cannot be reversed like what the Pharisees had done. The Pharisaic life had much restriction without any meaning or purpose. They obeyed for their own sake. Their “holiness” was ultimately a form of self-worship. But an authentic Christian life is liberating because his obedience brings about a genuine internal conversion that results in a lifetime of blessings not only to himself but to all those who have ever met him.
Beloved, human beings are most free and alive in relationships of love. Paradoxically, love is the most constraining force on earth as well as the most liberating. The greatest love is God’s love. It is the most important relationship to a Christian and also the most personally fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus went all the way to the cross for this love. And it is this love that will see us through life’s most trying circumstances because it breathes life and meaning to all other relationships.
Have a love-filled weekend!
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