Friday's Recap (130810)

As this year draws to a close, there is only one message I would like to share with you: Be a rescuer for God. This message was born out of the fiery furnace of September 11 tragedy. A man was asked by the media what should parents tell their children about the terrorist attacks and his answer was simple, “Keep your eyes on the rescuers.” I think this is the best answer any right-thinking person can give and a hopeful message for the coming year.

The mentality of a rescuer is unique and extraordinarily resilient. They are never distracted by the worries of life. They may be surrounded by the carnage that evil men leave behind but there is only one persistent thought in their mind, “how to make a difference.” They are always the positive force in a situation immersed in the worst of negative scenarios. The rescuer’s mentality knows no self-interest or self-preservation. They are self-denying and self-sacrificing. However, they do not see their act as acts of heroism. They see it as ordinary and natural as feeding a child or giving spare change to a street beggar.

A rescuer’s life is unique because he celebrates life by giving and not taking, he finds joy in serving and not being served, and he overcomes personal setbacks by focusing on others instead of himself. This is the best year end message I can share with you and it is in line with what Jesus commanded before he was crucified, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart…And the second, Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matt 22:37-39)

In the book, why good things happen to good people, by Stephen Post and Jill Neimark, the authors recounted a rescuer’s life in a doctor named Richard Fratianne. He was a director of a Burn Care Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland. In the good doctor’s own words, he recounted, “I was successful in treating patients with life-threatening, serious burns. But they’d leave the hospital badly scarred and go on to live their life in the shadows, with big floppy hats and long sleeves. I couldn’t send my patients back into the world without returning a sense of dignity and wholeness to their lives.” Empowered by this conviction, Dr Fratianne overhauled his burn unit into a living, breathing love center. He decided to love his patients back to life. He assembled a team of caring doctors, psychologists, and social workers, all of whose aim was to help the patients heal both body and soul. The results were life-changing for both the patients and the medical team.

“No other work could have brought me so much fulfillment,” exclaimed the doctor. He then went on to describe a four years old girl named Lucy who was nearly burned to death in a fire. Lucy then needed twelve surgeries, prosthetic legs and months of therapy at the Center. However this little-four year old was a towering spirit.

“Lucy always celebrates life,” recalled the doctor. “She comes to our burn camp every year and participates in everything, rides horses, plays tug-of-war, swims like a fish, and if you look at her with pity she gives you a big smile as if to say, “I’m happy, I’m good, I’m okay, and glad to be alive.” Dr Fratianne then concluded, “Tomorrow is promised to no one. Every day is precious. This is what my work with burn patients has taught me.”

How many of us could confidently look up to a stranger with a big smile if we had suffered the same awful, unspeakable fate as Lucy? How many four- year olds could participate so freely in the world when her face has been so irreparably scarred – especially for a girl so young and so innocent? Alas, I know of a lot of teenagers who would force themselves to stay at home and sulk when a pimple rears its ugly head on their cheeks. Imagine their reaction if they had their faces burned beyond recognition, had to struggle with false legs, and had to live with horrid scars for life.

Lucy was able to face the world with beauty and confidence beyond the superficial because she had a group of dedicated caregivers who chose to make a difference in her little life by becoming her personal rescuers. They gave her reasons to cheer up, hope to face the world without shame, and meaning to live life with courage. A rescuer is therefore a keeper of meaning. Every thought and every act impart hope and meaning to those lives whom the rescuer has touched. A rescuer’s contribution imbues courage and cause for the sufferers or victims to overcome their own life’s obstacles.

We can similarly make a difference in the lives of our loved ones by becoming their rescuers. The only requirement is for us to always put them first before ourselves. Ultimately, this is what it means to be human, to be a child of God.

Victor Frankl, a survivor of the holocaust, once wrote, “Being human always points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself – be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself – by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love – the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself…self-actualization is possible only as a side effect of self transcendence.”

Being a rescuer for God starts with our neighbor and our neighbor are the ones closest to us. Always bear in mind that everybody, no matter how well off they may seem to be, needs to be “rescued” from something. And it is within your power, however small, to extend a helping hand. A wife sometimes needs a hug. A husband occasionally needs some space and understanding. A child needs to be encouraged. A friend needs to be assured. And the bereaved needs a listening ear. These are simple needs that can easily be fulfilled by us as rescuers.

We can rescue our spouse from the stress of work by being more patient with their irrational outbursts. We can rescue our children from taunting and bullies at school by taking the time to assure them of their worth in the eyes of God. We can rescue our friends from loneliness by spending time with them. We can make a difference in the lives of others just by a simple act of sparing both thought and time for them. Always remember that it is the simple and small acts that accumulate to make the appreciable difference. You can make a little difference in their lives by being a little more sensitive to their needs, a little more patient, a little more understanding, and a little more helpful to them. Mother Theresa once said, “we can do no great things; only small things with great love.” This is the guiding motto for a true blooded rescuer.

A lot of my divorce clients, especially the wives, whose husbands have walked out of the family for another younger woman, cried out to be rescued not from their husband’s torment or betrayal but from themselves. They were unable to forgive themselves because they wrongly blamed themselves for their husband’s unfaithfulness. They mentally hit their heads against the wall for not doing enough to keep their husbands. They were ravaged by misplaced guilt from personal accusations most undeserved. I realized that I could make a difference in their lives by dropping hints here and there about their self-worth. I could awaken them to realize that they were not the ones at fault by resolving their guilt through self affirmations. The point is that it doesn’t take much to bring some form of timely relief to the lives of people who are suffering, and this is why no one is ever disqualified from being a rescuer for God.

As a rescuer, we are not called to be the savior of the world or the deliverer of world peace. We don’t have to do great things to be counted. We are not expected to do what the billionaire Bill Gates had done and that is to quit his job so that he could run his charitable organization called Gates Foundation, full time. Neither are we expected to give US$40 billion dollars away to charity like what investment guru Warren Buffet did in 2006.

A rescuer is a rescuer at heart first before deeds. It is the heart that makes the difference. Let our life be the message - a living, breathing testament to our spouse, children and friends. Remember that a candle loses nothing of its light by lighting another candle. In passing that little flicker to our loved ones, we are unknowingly brightening our lives as well as the lives of others.

This world no doubt needs to be changed but it takes every small, daily and consistent effort by rescuers like us to change it. And the first change has to start with us. An Anglican bishop who lived in Westminster Abbey 900 years ago once wrote, “When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.”

Don’t wait until you are drawing your last breath to realize that the change you wish to see in others is in fact the change that is first required of you.

It therefore bears repeating: Be a rescuer for God. This is the only way we can find self-fulfillment. This is the only way we can overcome our own problems and afflictions. This is the only way others can see the glory of God in our lives. It therefore comes as no surprise to me that a Time magazine poll of over one thousand Americans found that the first four major sources of happiness were all about securing the happiness of others:-

a) For 77 percent, their children were the major source of happiness.

b) Friendships were a source of happiness for 76 percent.

c) Contributing to the lives of others made 75 percent happy.

d) Their relationship with their partner was a major source for 73 percent.

After all is said and done, the secret of happiness is to put others first. We can therefore stop spending money on clothes to make us feel good. We can stop frequenting bars and clubs to look for love or to feel loved. We can stop working with no end in sight in order to make our family happy (for in the end, it is not the bacon on the table, but the man who brings home the bacon that they missed most). We are therefore happiest when we make others happy. We do so by giving ourselves to them.

Even in our own affliction, we can still draw strength and hope in lending a helping hand to those in need, regardless of how bad our own situation is. This is best illustrated by Rabbi Harold S Kushner in his remarkable bestseller, when bad things happen to good people. In the book, he recounted an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died.

This is the tale as it is written, “In her grief, she went to the holy man and said, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?” Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.” The woman set off at once in search of that magical mustard seed. She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me” They told her, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had recently befallen them. The woman said to herself, “Who is better able to help these poor unfortunate people than I, who have had misfortune of my own?” She stayed to comfort them, then went on in her search for a home that had never known sorrow. But whenever she turned, in hovels and in palaces, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune. Ultimately, she became so involved in ministering to other people’s grief that she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed, never realizing that it had in fact driven the sorrow out of her life.”

It is only when we discover that the “magical mustard seed” that we have been looking for all our lives is in the act of giving of ourselves to others, relieving of their pain, and contributing to their recovery, that we are then able to heal our own pain and sorrow. The “magic” is therefore not in the mustard seed to resolve all sorrows; but it is in us being rescuers to those in need of being rescued.

In a magical sort of way, helping others keep us from dwelling on our problem. The distraction is a blessing because helping others increases our sense of self control. When we relieve another of his or her problem, however small the progress, we experience a pervading sense of personal satisfaction and achievement. The more people we help, the more we feel accomplished. This build up is self empowering and we unknowingly add to our inner reserve of hope, strength and resilience to overcome our own problem. The empowerment is therefore self-reinforcing. The more we help, the more empowerment we feel, and the more empowerment we feel, the more we are able to resolve our own problem.

I have read of an amazing testimony of a man who was born without arms or legs. He lived in the outskirts of a village in a little bamboo hut of the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan. When people brought him small gifts like food, blanket and radio, he would look at them and laugh, “What could I possibly need?” What abundance mentality!

Despite his condition, this man became the village advisor. When the village had problems, they would go to him. He brought comfort to everyone who came to him for counseling. The man without arms and legs found happiness in helping others. His inspiration for life is to be an inspiration to others.

Indeed, every life has its moments of quiet heroism, no matter how ordinary the heroic act is. The man has found his purpose for life and it is a purpose beyond himself, beyond his handicap, beyond his disability. A wise man once said, “When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bounds. Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.” This is the strength you garner to lift your own load of troubles after you have lifted another’s.

So, beloved, your year-end resolution should be: Be a rescuer for God. Nothing is more rewarding and more fulfilling than to be another’s benefactor, to be a keeper of meaning, to be a mentor to the young, and to leave a lasting legacy of charity to your children.

Let me end with these simple, heartfelt words penned by a philosopher Jeremy Bentham, shortly before his death. In a letter written as a birthday advice to a friend’s young daughter, he wrote, “Create all the happiness you are able to create: remove all the misery you are able to remove. Every day will allow you to add something to the pleasure of others, or to diminish something of their pains. And for every grain of enjoyment you sow in the bosom of another, you shall find a harvest in your own bosom; while every sorrow which you pluck from the thoughts and feelings of a fellow creature shall be replaced by beautiful peace and joy in the sanctuary of your soul”.

Postscript:

The measure of a life well-lived is how much we give and how much we forgive. The equation I see is one of additions and subtractions. Every time we give something of ourselves, our time, our knowledge, our love and devotion, our resources, we add to life’s scorecard. Every time we take from others, their time, their resources, their attention, we subtract from it.

We move forward by giving and forgiving; we regress by taking and begrudging. Nothing consumes our spirit more than to bear a grudge and to consciously nurture that grudge to full blown hatred. Unforgiveness retards our personal growth. Unforgiveness closes all doors once opened. Unforgiveness kills hope, saps strength and strangles love.

Make every day counts by giving and forgiving. Be kinder, humbler and gentler. Shed off your male ego. Get rid of your female needy-ness. Imagine a world where lives’ scorecards are always positive; where giving and forgiving are the norm; where old scores are wiped clean and new lasting relationships are formed.

A world like that has no room for racism, bigotry, arrogance, and misogyny (hatred of women). This world is conceivable, achievable and self-sustainable. It demands only that we make small, daily and consistent efforts to add to our scorecard more than we subtract from it.

For in the end, the more we loose ourselves, the more we gain in God. This noble and powerful truth is best expressed by Mother Theresa, “The prize with which God rewards our self-abandonment is Himself.”