Dear cell, I think I have discovered the secret of living a victorious Christian life. Well, it is not exactly a secret since what I am going to write about can be found in the Bible. In fact, the scriptures cited here will be very familiar to most of you. The overarching rule of a victorious Christian living is to listen to God’s spirit and obey. This sounds easy enough. From a secular point of view, all of us are told countless of times to obey our parents because daddy and mommy know best. True to this saying, we parents only want the best for our children and obedience is expected of our children if they want to stay out of trouble, come up tops in class, and marry the right partner. Well, maybe the last goal is out of our league as parents. But the point is that reality is usually and frustratingly much harder to do than oral admonishments.
Many of us have been Christians for many years and we can sit each other down beside a campfire to recount all those times that we had failed God in our thoughts, words and actions. In this world of much distractions and temptations, we sometimes feel like those seeds that have been cast into the shallow soil where our spirit has failed to take roots and our spiritual walk with God falters off after an initial jumpstart. After a while, it suddenly dawn on us that we have yet to surrender everything to God. We still have lots of skeletons in our mental closet, locked up airtight by us, refusing to let go and let God deal with our hurts, bitterness and pain accumulated over the years through betrayal, disappointments and unforgiveness.
Galatians 3:3 may sound very familiar to some of us, “Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?” Let’s be warned that religion by our own strength is not the gospel, it is in fact humanistic and counterproductive. Again, let’s not lose our focus. The gospel is crystal clear about our Christian obligation. It is to listen to God’s spirit and obey. The apostle Paul warned us, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” (Ephesians 4:30) He went on to say in 1 Thessalonians 5:19, “Do not put out the Spirit’s fire.” How many of us have through deliberate choice put out the Spirit’s fire?
It takes little to put out the Spirit’s fire and a good start to avoid it is to digest Ephesians 4:30, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God…Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…” Words like these are quickly forgotten because in actuality it demands too much from us. Sure, we can change or be transformed to be kind, compassionate and forgiving. We can even get rid of bitterness, rage and anger, keeping brawling and slander at bay, and controlling our tongue from all forms of malice and hurtful words. But the question is: For how long? For how long can we keep up appearances?
As I have said earlier, what is our motivation truly spirit-led or by sheer effort of human strive? Let me get this off my chest: Authenticity as a Christian does not come cheap. The above scripture talks about “being imitators of God, or Christ, as dearly loved children and live a life of love.” How many of us find this a tall order? An uphill climb? A spiritual shoe too big for our tiny, faithless feet to fill? Sadly and very unfortunately, many of us feel more like counterfeits than true imitators of Christ. And often, the calling for being Christ-like is subconsciously being understood as being Christ-less or Christ-lite (a new derisive term to describe Christians who avoid all the hardcore stuff that Jesus commanded us to do, like dying to self, worshipping God in spirit and in truth, and serving only one master and not two). Billy Graham once said that the devil seems to get 75% of God’s best servants through sexual temptation alone. This statistics is truly scary.
Recently I bought a book titled The Case of the Pope – Vatican Accountability for Human Rights Abuse by Geoffrey Robertson QC and I was greatly spiritually agitated. The author was on a crusade for justice for the many tens of thousands, perhaps hundred thousand children, some as young as four years old, mainly boys, who have been continually sexually abused by the clergy and most of them have suffered permanent physical and psychological damage, not to mention the fact that many have left the faith in utter disgust, disillusionment and confusion.
I remembered Jesus once said, “But if anyone causes one of these little one who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.” You’d would think that the Catholic Church, with its many years of historical relevance, with its many righteous teachings and godly literatures, and being founded on the direct lineage of the very first exemplary disciple of Christ namely apostle Paul, would have done the right and proper thing to defrock these offending priests immediately and to extend all cooperation with the authorities to bring and subject them to the penal laws of the land. In other words, giving justice to those who were abused over the years by the priests.
But sadly, the Catholic Church did just the opposite. The Holy See did nothing to defrock the offending priests. They transferred them to another state, another parish. Some of them were even assigned to run young boys orphanages or schools. Imagine the idiocy of such a move! These priest were protected by the Holy See, the records of their crimes were kept secret and locked up to prevent further probing or investigation. Most of them received only minor admonishments, did short term penance, recited prayers in confessionals, and wholly forgiven without facing their accusers in the Court of Justice. Talk about divine immunity with papal impunity!
In one of the concluding passages, the author of the book struck the nail on the “man-driven, counterfeit religion” head with these words, “The priest who molest children are frequently those who are the most punctilious in religious observance and in good works. The suspicion must be that for many, the combination of spiritual powers, genuine affection and sexual craving led to acts which were committed because – and only because – there was no deterrent in the form of any likely prospect of arrest and punishment…These men believed, with good reason, that they would get away with it, because priests usually did.”
Beloved, the Christian walk is not an easy walk but it is not impossible. Hebrews 3:7-11 has this to say, “So, as the Holy Spirit says: Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” Have we hardened our hearts to the soft whispers of the Holy Spirit? When Jesus said, “My sheep hears my voice.” Are we His sheep? Do we hear His voice? Or are we wandering goats, stubborn and rebellious, too righteous and too smart for God’s molding? Didn’t the Bible say in Ecclesiastes 7:16, “Do not be over-righteous, neither be over-wise, why destroy yourself?” Indeed Proverbs 14-12 echoed the same sentiment, “There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death (or self-destruction).”
So, with this, we return to the overarching rule of a victorious Christian living, that is, to listen to God’s spirit and obey. For in the eyes of God, “to obey is better than sacrifice”. (1 Samuel 15:22) Of course, this Christian journey cannot be trekked alone. Like every successful endeavor, it starts with a divine partnership and our partner is the Holy Spirit. Ephesians 5:18 reminds us to be “filled with the Spirit.” Needless to say, filling anything takes time, it takes patience, it takes consistency. The filling can never be complete if we become distracted along the journey and detour off the beaten path set by Jesus to run our own devises and plans. Remember, man proposes, God disposes. Reversing the order only makes religion serve our own agenda and not the Holy Spirit’s.
RT Kendall once recounted an amusing tale in his book The Sensitivity of the Spirit and this was how he wrote about it, “This situation reminded me of a pastor in Kentucky who was struggling with his church. Suddenly, out of the blue, he got a call to become a minister of a Church in Hawaii. He said to his wife, “You pack up while I pray about it.” RT Kendall wisely concluded, “It is hard to seek the mind of the Lord when our own minds are already made up.” Have we made up our mind to follow Jesus or have we made up our mind to serve our own worldly masters?
In the book Disciplines of the Holy Spirit by Dr Siang Yang Tan and Dr Douglas H. Gregg, the authors simplified the work of the Holy Spirit in three broad directions: “The Holy Spirit works to (1) draw us near to God in deep love and intimacy (2) help us surrender to his will and purpose, and to (3) reach out in compassionate ministry to others through us.” In Philippians 2:12-13 we are called to work out our salvation as it requires obedience and sacrifice: “So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
So, listening to God’s spirit and obeying are a process and it becomes easier when we surrender to the gentle persuasion of the Holy Spirit since the latter is not only our helper but the gatekeeper of our conscience, convicting us of sins and, the Spirit of Truth, guiding us in this world like a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.
Before I end, I would like to bring to your attention the encounter between a Samaritan woman and Jesus (John 4). We all know the story. The woman came to draw water from the well and met up with her Messiah. Jesus then asked for a drink and the woman was shaken by the request since Jesus, being a Jew, shouldn’t have any dealing with her, a Samaritan.
To her, Jesus had broken an important protocol. But we all know that Jesus was a deliberate protocol breaker. In addition to this, Jesus also knew that this woman has had a very complicated romantic entanglement. She had five husbands before she met Jesus and the one whom she is currently sleeping with is not her husband. To put it mildly, she was a loose woman; maybe a very confused soul and Jesus, being the Messiah, shouldn’t have chatted with her. Surely, it was a social taboo to do so and tongues would definitely wag crazily if others get to know about it. So, in one hot afternoon, Jesus broke two protocols. But protocol breaking was not the message our Messiah wanted to impart to us. His message, which is relevant for us as growing Christians, is this: “…whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of waters springing up into everlasting life.”
This powerful spiritual metaphor of the “fountain of waters springing up into everlasting life” brings to mind an analogy of spiritual growth that I would like to share with you. Teresa of Avila, Spain, who was a 16th century theologian, and whose life was filled with mystical experiences, once likened our spirit to a garden of soul, which is beautified by four Water analogy. This water that flows into the garden of our soul symbolizes the Holy Spirit that Jesus was talking about to the Samaritan woman.
In a concise overview, the four Water analogy is as follows: “The garden of the soul, she says, can be watered in several manners. The first, drawing the water up from a well by use of a bucket, entails a great deal of human effort. The second way, cranking a water wheel and having the water run through an aqueduct, involves less exertion and yields more water. The third entails far less effort, for in it the water enters the garden as by an effluence from river or streams The fourth and final way is the best of all: as by a gentle but abundant rainfall the Lord himself waters the garden and the soul does not work at all.”
Beloved, doesn’t this water analogy aptly describes our spiritual journey and growth? First, we cannot do without the “watering” of the Holy Spirit. He is our partner and guide. Second, spiritual maturity takes time. It starts with a convicted and repentant heart. Then, we initiate a process to work out our salvation through engaging in spiritual disciplines like meditating, praying, worshipping, servicing and witnessing. Of course, all these take effort on our part. At first, it is difficult for the simple reason that it is called “spiritual disciplines” and not “spiritual playtime” or “spiritual manicure”. The word “disciplines” entails deliberate or intentional personal effort, a high and consistent level of purposeful engagement, and a dogged determination to complete the task at hand.
Third, as we get into the groove of these spiritual disciplines, we also enter into a self-sustaining spiritual momentum like cycling a bike and we realize that advancing forward starts to take less and less self-effort and more and more of letting go. This is the third stage of the four Water analogy above whereby “water enters the garden of our soul by an effluence from river or streams.”
Ultimately, when we surrender ourselves fully to God and submit to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, we quite unknowingly and graciously enter into the last stage of our spiritual maturity whereby we experience “a gentle but abundant rainfall the Lord himself waters the garden and the soul does not work at all.” I guess this is the stage when we can echo the sentiments of the Psalmist who said, “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple.” And when that day comes, we can confidently declare that we have indeed sought the Lord, because we have sought Him with all our heart.
Have a victorious weekend!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday's Recap (270810)
Last Friday’s cell was about success. What is success? This depends on your age when you are asked to define success. For my eight year old son, his main concern should be academic success, that is, to do well in his studies. Well, I would not say that he is too enthusiastic about it. For a working adult, his goal is to race up the career ladder, to be recognized as one of the best in his field, to be promoted and get well paid. To an octogenarian, success is to pass over a great legacy to his children and grandchildren. He would want to be remembered for all his positive contributions to the family and to make amends if he still can. So, success defies pigeon-holed definition.
Even between different professions, success varies widely. Ask a priest and a stockbroker and you will have wholly different views of success. Success for one is measured by catechism, charity and austerity. The other is measured by making a killing in the stock market, rewarding clients with rich returns, and maybe investing in a yacht or two as a testament to one’s stock picking acumen. Success also changes over time. In this materialistic culture, the young would want to be rich and famous. The middle-ager with a family would strive to work hard to support the family and make sure life holds together till the children grows up to working age. The retirees see it all differently from the rest. As they are closer to their grave, their life’s philosophy is usually less hurried, more generous, and deeply practical. After going through life’s experiences, the tears and the shame, the regrets and the pain, the joy and the misgivings, they are generally more enlightened and forgiving. Success to them is usually relationship-oriented with a touch of religious depth to it. Apart from that, nothing truly satisfies.
Recently, I read a book written by two highly successful individuals in their own rights. Donald Trump, the real estate billionaire, and Robert T. Kiyosaki, the investor extraordinaire, came together, with generous support from a dedicated team of editors and writers, to write a book entitled WHY WE WANT YOU TO BE RICH. The book title is very telling. These two towering capitalists of our time want their readers to be rich by way of astute investment over one’s lifetime. In a nutshell, their message is the same message that their rich dads gave them, “We are born rich. We all have been given the most powerful lever on earth, our mind…so use your mind for leverage to make you rich rather than to make excuses.” Some of the excuses that unsuccessful people give are listed by them and we should be quite familiar with some of them. Here are the excuses in one helping: Laziness…Bad habits…Lack of education…Lack of experience…Lack of guidance…Bad attitude…Bad influence…Bad environment…Lack of focus…Lack of determination…Lack of courage.
There is no doubt that the book gave some very practical advice about investment and how to get rich. Here are some of the high points of the book. The authors identified three kinds of investors: (1) People who do not invest at all (well, by right, these group are not investors at all); (2) People who invest not to lose; (3) People who invest to win. According to them, those who make it rich are those who invest to win. And those who invest to win are those who leverage wisely. The key to growing rich is to leverage big so that one can reap big. Leverage is defined as the ability to do more with less. The “less” that they are referring to is essentially raising debt (loan) to invest in worthy stocks or property. Thereafter, one is to focus exclusively on the investment like a farmer conscientiously tending to his harvest field. Quite cleverly, the acronym for FOCUS is Follow One Course Until Successful.
The book has other fun wordplay like the three Ds of Desire, Drive and Discipline. Most of us desire to be rich but do not have the drive or the discipline. As such, we fall short. Then, there is the Triple As: Ambition, Ability and Attitude. This is self-explanatory, I guess. Here’s more wordplay. How about the Triple Es: Education, Experience and Execution. Lastly, the Four Hs of Honor, Humility, Humor and Happiness. Not much explanation was given in the book on defining these general terms. But any mature reader roughly gets the general intent of the ideas imparted.
The all important advice given by these hyper-rich men is to debunk the common advice issued by most financial advisers. The philosophy of these common financial advisers is to work hard, save more, get out of debt, invest for the long term and diversify. The book rallied strongly against this dated advice. To them, we should not be working slavishly for money. But, money should work diligently for us via wise and focused investments. They also advised against over-saving because more funds saved means less funds invested. Then, debt is not a taboo for them. Like the financial mavericks that they are, the authors encouraged taking measured risk. In their own words, “There is good debt and bad debt. The purpose of getting financially smart is to know when to use debt and when not to.” And lastly, the book discouraged diversification like what mutual funds managers do. The authors also encouraged people to know everything about their investment and persist in it until it bears fruit. In the end, the authors left the reader with this choice: Work for the rest of your life as someone’s employee or as a small business owner, or prosper by being the boss of big businesses or a multimillionaire investor. The choice is yours, and the destiny is your own making. In one of the book’s captions, it reads, “Give yourself a little freedom to develop into something or someone you’d actually like to be.”
While the book gives good and practical advice for all, young and old, one has to bear in mind that the authors offer only one aspect of success as defined by this world. Material wealth is no doubt important. But money can buy only so much, its satisfaction goes only so deep, and its value reaches only so far. At the end of the day, any millionaire or billionaire would have to “kowtow” this simple truth, “To be successful and unhappy is the greatest failure of all.”
I am not one who would eschew wealth-generating activities. I believe in wise investments of stocks, shares and property. I believe in taking calculated risks, making a good profit in business and related commercial transactions. There is nothing wrong with owning big mansions, fancy cars and a personal yacht. The Bible desires that we prosper in our own way and in our own time. But the risk still lurks in the corner, waiting to pounce on us when we are at the top of our material success. This risk is not the risk of losing it all, that is, our money, property and shares. It is not the risk of making a wrong calculation that might transform our status quo overnight from an instant millionaire to a distant street pauper. It is not the risk of financial bankruptcy. This risk is more insidious than that. It is in fact the risk of having everything until everything has us. It is the risk of never having enough and always wanting more. It is the disease of covetousness, which rots our soul with envy and greed. Here the remarks of a famous naturalist John Muir are instructive. He once compared himself to the railroad magnate E.H. Harriman by saying, “I am richer than the railroad magnate because I have all the money I want, and he hasn’t.”
As Christians, we have to keep all perspectives in the right balance. Our wants may mutate along the way. In our youth, enough is mostly enough. We are carefree and sometimes careless. We have moderated expectations of material possessions. Should our basic needs be satisfied, we are more or less satisfied. Most youth I met are more concerned with their immediate, more tangible needs like making the grades, getting into a good school, having trusted friends, and enjoying the coming holidays. But as we age, and enter the formidable rat-race, our desires take a twisted turn down the rabbit hole. Our wants now become less satiable. We want more things, more fame, more recognition. Our vortex of wants become deeper, wider and spins faster. Soon, if left to its own natural course, our wants mutate to become our needs. When our basic needs for food and security are all sated, we clamor for more material possessions. It is at this time that we no longer just “want” a bigger house, a speedier car, a fatter bank account, or the other subtler forms of greed like more self-recognition and self-adulation.
As our unchecked desires for the things of his world go into hyper-drive, we turn our wants into needs and degenerate into a helpless addict for material things, hankering for one material high after another. Soon, we turn this addiction into an entitlement and we cannot live without it; neither do we want to. Although a smaller car would still serve the function of transporting us from point A to point B, our warped sense of entitlement would make us crave for a bigger, more expensive transport; not so much to transport us from one point to another but for purposes of showing off to those we deem as “the less fortunate.” But this act of showing off becomes a self-serving game of one-upmanship. In other words, it becomes an ugly competition to out-do, out-wit and out-smart anyone whom we are envious of. You can see how out of control the endgame will be.
In the end, I think it is much safer to embrace the wisdom in 1 Timothy 6:6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it.” Note that the pair is logical and inseparable. Godliness with contentment is juxtapositioned together. No other juxtapositions will do. There is no such pairing as “wealth with contentment” or “marriage with contentment” or “career with contentment”.
Having said this, let me clarify. I have indeed seen many wealthy men and women who are contented. And contentment is a state of mind. Although the opposite of contentment is covetousness, it is not the same with “resting on your laurels”, “idling away your life” or “retiring early and becoming a beach bum.” So, you can pursue your dreams while maintaining a balanced attitude of contentment.
You can easily identify a contented wealthy person by his lifestyle. Such a person is always giving unconditionally. He has a peace of mind, always willing to learn, humble and even self-deprecating at times. He savors life’s challenges and makes the most of it. And most of all, he is genuinely happy for the success of others and he does not wallow in self-pity or seethes with anger and bitterness when others succeed.
But these wealthy folks are contented not because of their great accumulation of material possessions or the recognition and adulation that come with it. I believe the root cause of their contentment is godliness. In Luke 12:21, Jesus admonished us to be “rich to God.” Needless to say, to be rich in God is different from being wealthy in this world. The richness of God is not measured by the abundance of our possession. If it were so, Jesus would not have given this injunction to all in Luke 12:33-34, “Sell your possession and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
To be rich in God is to come to the realization and acceptance that we are merely stewards of God’s material possession. We are His faithful trustees and we manage His possessions, and not insist that we own every bit of it. The ultimate ownership is with our Creator. And the hallmark of a godly and contented wealthy person is a spirit of selfless giving and not selfish hoarding.
So, let’s return full circle on our definition of success. It is said that success is not in the things we see, it is intangible, untouchable. It is like the air we breathe. We know it and we feel safe and secure in it, but we cannot see it. Success is not a material force, it is a spirited substance. The Bible urges us to seek the kingdom of God and all His righteousness for only in this earnest search can our joy in this life be complete.
Let me end with these revelatory words from the Christian missionary martyr, Jim Elliot. Please do not gloss over these powerful words but always keep them in your heart so that you do not lose sight of what is truly important in this life and the life to come, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” A buffet-spread for thought?
Even between different professions, success varies widely. Ask a priest and a stockbroker and you will have wholly different views of success. Success for one is measured by catechism, charity and austerity. The other is measured by making a killing in the stock market, rewarding clients with rich returns, and maybe investing in a yacht or two as a testament to one’s stock picking acumen. Success also changes over time. In this materialistic culture, the young would want to be rich and famous. The middle-ager with a family would strive to work hard to support the family and make sure life holds together till the children grows up to working age. The retirees see it all differently from the rest. As they are closer to their grave, their life’s philosophy is usually less hurried, more generous, and deeply practical. After going through life’s experiences, the tears and the shame, the regrets and the pain, the joy and the misgivings, they are generally more enlightened and forgiving. Success to them is usually relationship-oriented with a touch of religious depth to it. Apart from that, nothing truly satisfies.
Recently, I read a book written by two highly successful individuals in their own rights. Donald Trump, the real estate billionaire, and Robert T. Kiyosaki, the investor extraordinaire, came together, with generous support from a dedicated team of editors and writers, to write a book entitled WHY WE WANT YOU TO BE RICH. The book title is very telling. These two towering capitalists of our time want their readers to be rich by way of astute investment over one’s lifetime. In a nutshell, their message is the same message that their rich dads gave them, “We are born rich. We all have been given the most powerful lever on earth, our mind…so use your mind for leverage to make you rich rather than to make excuses.” Some of the excuses that unsuccessful people give are listed by them and we should be quite familiar with some of them. Here are the excuses in one helping: Laziness…Bad habits…Lack of education…Lack of experience…Lack of guidance…Bad attitude…Bad influence…Bad environment…Lack of focus…Lack of determination…Lack of courage.
There is no doubt that the book gave some very practical advice about investment and how to get rich. Here are some of the high points of the book. The authors identified three kinds of investors: (1) People who do not invest at all (well, by right, these group are not investors at all); (2) People who invest not to lose; (3) People who invest to win. According to them, those who make it rich are those who invest to win. And those who invest to win are those who leverage wisely. The key to growing rich is to leverage big so that one can reap big. Leverage is defined as the ability to do more with less. The “less” that they are referring to is essentially raising debt (loan) to invest in worthy stocks or property. Thereafter, one is to focus exclusively on the investment like a farmer conscientiously tending to his harvest field. Quite cleverly, the acronym for FOCUS is Follow One Course Until Successful.
The book has other fun wordplay like the three Ds of Desire, Drive and Discipline. Most of us desire to be rich but do not have the drive or the discipline. As such, we fall short. Then, there is the Triple As: Ambition, Ability and Attitude. This is self-explanatory, I guess. Here’s more wordplay. How about the Triple Es: Education, Experience and Execution. Lastly, the Four Hs of Honor, Humility, Humor and Happiness. Not much explanation was given in the book on defining these general terms. But any mature reader roughly gets the general intent of the ideas imparted.
The all important advice given by these hyper-rich men is to debunk the common advice issued by most financial advisers. The philosophy of these common financial advisers is to work hard, save more, get out of debt, invest for the long term and diversify. The book rallied strongly against this dated advice. To them, we should not be working slavishly for money. But, money should work diligently for us via wise and focused investments. They also advised against over-saving because more funds saved means less funds invested. Then, debt is not a taboo for them. Like the financial mavericks that they are, the authors encouraged taking measured risk. In their own words, “There is good debt and bad debt. The purpose of getting financially smart is to know when to use debt and when not to.” And lastly, the book discouraged diversification like what mutual funds managers do. The authors also encouraged people to know everything about their investment and persist in it until it bears fruit. In the end, the authors left the reader with this choice: Work for the rest of your life as someone’s employee or as a small business owner, or prosper by being the boss of big businesses or a multimillionaire investor. The choice is yours, and the destiny is your own making. In one of the book’s captions, it reads, “Give yourself a little freedom to develop into something or someone you’d actually like to be.”
While the book gives good and practical advice for all, young and old, one has to bear in mind that the authors offer only one aspect of success as defined by this world. Material wealth is no doubt important. But money can buy only so much, its satisfaction goes only so deep, and its value reaches only so far. At the end of the day, any millionaire or billionaire would have to “kowtow” this simple truth, “To be successful and unhappy is the greatest failure of all.”
I am not one who would eschew wealth-generating activities. I believe in wise investments of stocks, shares and property. I believe in taking calculated risks, making a good profit in business and related commercial transactions. There is nothing wrong with owning big mansions, fancy cars and a personal yacht. The Bible desires that we prosper in our own way and in our own time. But the risk still lurks in the corner, waiting to pounce on us when we are at the top of our material success. This risk is not the risk of losing it all, that is, our money, property and shares. It is not the risk of making a wrong calculation that might transform our status quo overnight from an instant millionaire to a distant street pauper. It is not the risk of financial bankruptcy. This risk is more insidious than that. It is in fact the risk of having everything until everything has us. It is the risk of never having enough and always wanting more. It is the disease of covetousness, which rots our soul with envy and greed. Here the remarks of a famous naturalist John Muir are instructive. He once compared himself to the railroad magnate E.H. Harriman by saying, “I am richer than the railroad magnate because I have all the money I want, and he hasn’t.”
As Christians, we have to keep all perspectives in the right balance. Our wants may mutate along the way. In our youth, enough is mostly enough. We are carefree and sometimes careless. We have moderated expectations of material possessions. Should our basic needs be satisfied, we are more or less satisfied. Most youth I met are more concerned with their immediate, more tangible needs like making the grades, getting into a good school, having trusted friends, and enjoying the coming holidays. But as we age, and enter the formidable rat-race, our desires take a twisted turn down the rabbit hole. Our wants now become less satiable. We want more things, more fame, more recognition. Our vortex of wants become deeper, wider and spins faster. Soon, if left to its own natural course, our wants mutate to become our needs. When our basic needs for food and security are all sated, we clamor for more material possessions. It is at this time that we no longer just “want” a bigger house, a speedier car, a fatter bank account, or the other subtler forms of greed like more self-recognition and self-adulation.
As our unchecked desires for the things of his world go into hyper-drive, we turn our wants into needs and degenerate into a helpless addict for material things, hankering for one material high after another. Soon, we turn this addiction into an entitlement and we cannot live without it; neither do we want to. Although a smaller car would still serve the function of transporting us from point A to point B, our warped sense of entitlement would make us crave for a bigger, more expensive transport; not so much to transport us from one point to another but for purposes of showing off to those we deem as “the less fortunate.” But this act of showing off becomes a self-serving game of one-upmanship. In other words, it becomes an ugly competition to out-do, out-wit and out-smart anyone whom we are envious of. You can see how out of control the endgame will be.
In the end, I think it is much safer to embrace the wisdom in 1 Timothy 6:6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it.” Note that the pair is logical and inseparable. Godliness with contentment is juxtapositioned together. No other juxtapositions will do. There is no such pairing as “wealth with contentment” or “marriage with contentment” or “career with contentment”.
Having said this, let me clarify. I have indeed seen many wealthy men and women who are contented. And contentment is a state of mind. Although the opposite of contentment is covetousness, it is not the same with “resting on your laurels”, “idling away your life” or “retiring early and becoming a beach bum.” So, you can pursue your dreams while maintaining a balanced attitude of contentment.
You can easily identify a contented wealthy person by his lifestyle. Such a person is always giving unconditionally. He has a peace of mind, always willing to learn, humble and even self-deprecating at times. He savors life’s challenges and makes the most of it. And most of all, he is genuinely happy for the success of others and he does not wallow in self-pity or seethes with anger and bitterness when others succeed.
But these wealthy folks are contented not because of their great accumulation of material possessions or the recognition and adulation that come with it. I believe the root cause of their contentment is godliness. In Luke 12:21, Jesus admonished us to be “rich to God.” Needless to say, to be rich in God is different from being wealthy in this world. The richness of God is not measured by the abundance of our possession. If it were so, Jesus would not have given this injunction to all in Luke 12:33-34, “Sell your possession and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
To be rich in God is to come to the realization and acceptance that we are merely stewards of God’s material possession. We are His faithful trustees and we manage His possessions, and not insist that we own every bit of it. The ultimate ownership is with our Creator. And the hallmark of a godly and contented wealthy person is a spirit of selfless giving and not selfish hoarding.
So, let’s return full circle on our definition of success. It is said that success is not in the things we see, it is intangible, untouchable. It is like the air we breathe. We know it and we feel safe and secure in it, but we cannot see it. Success is not a material force, it is a spirited substance. The Bible urges us to seek the kingdom of God and all His righteousness for only in this earnest search can our joy in this life be complete.
Let me end with these revelatory words from the Christian missionary martyr, Jim Elliot. Please do not gloss over these powerful words but always keep them in your heart so that you do not lose sight of what is truly important in this life and the life to come, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” A buffet-spread for thought?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday's Recap (200810)
We are all called to live life with passion, or with conviction. Living with passion means a life dedicated to living with meaning and purpose. Essentially we humans are restless creatures, born of a spirit to excel, to succeed, and to connect. Like the slant of plants towards sun and water, there is always an irresistible urge within us for growth. As Thomas Merton phrased it, “By the taste of clean water, follow the brook to its source.” Our urges are therefore as natural and essential to us as air and water. These urges to grow and bloom inspire us to move forward in life regardless of the adversity we face. These urges keep us on our toes until we attain a state of ultimate fulfillment, that is, when our spiritual quest have found the source of meaning in life.
In the book, passion for life, authors Muriel James and John James illuminated this life of meaning and purpose by calling it a path with heart. Have you followed a path with heart recently? The authors defined a path with heart as “a course of action that calls us to respond with passion – to act on the basis of a positive emotional and intellectual commitment to someone or something. It calls us to devote positive energy and enthusiasm to an activity or a cause that has personal meaning.”
Although a path with heart demands personal sacrifices from us, it is ultimately rewarding and fulfilling in itself. Moses followed a path with heart when he finally heeded God’s call to free the Hebrews out of slavery in Egypt. Gandhi did the same by following a path with heart by turning his heart away from material comfort and using his legal skills and sharp mind to set the wheels of India’s independence running.
Many youth nowadays are asked, what do they want in life? Without much reflection, the answers are almost carbon copies of one another. They want to be happy. General happiness is what the youth nowadays are chasing after. But little do they know, the search for happiness will never be found because happiness is not a goal or an end in itself. It is a byproduct of an activity. It is derived from working on a goal. It is a journey to be savored. It is joyful working towards a life-affirming goal.
More importantly, ultimate fulfillment comes when we seek to bless others with our talents. It is when we see a smile from the faces of those we have helped that we in return experience an irrepressible joy within and a buoyancy of hope to move us forward in our own lives. This is the water brook that King David is talking about, the river of living waters that Jesus sermonizes about, and the water and air of living that we cannot live without.
Let’s return to our God-given urges, which none of us can ignore. Ultimately, the challenge to grow is threefold; to get in touch with the urges that come from our inner core, to set goals that are compatible with the growth of the human spirit, and to develop the personal qualities that are needed to reach those goals.
In the book Passion for life, there are essentially seven basic urges that will determine the pathway that we will tread upon in life and they are as follows:-
The urge to live is the most basic urge that all healthy persons experience. A Chinese proverb reads, “When the winter is severe, the pine trees in this ancient land stay green throughout the year. Is it because the earth is warm and friendly? No, it is because the pine trees have within itself a life-restoring power.” The urge to live is expressed in striving to survive, in looking for ways to be comfortable, and in searching for meaning or purpose.
Even when survival and comfort are uncertain or not possible, people may seek for deeper meaning to life as the admirable struggle of Charlie Wedemeyer shows. Wedermeyer suffered from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or ALS. In this disease, all nerves and muscles below the face eventually deteriorate. Although his life expectancy when ALS was diagnosed was only three years, he has kept on coaching for more than twelve years.
Now a quadriplegic who cannot move and speak, his spirit is still robust. He speaks to community groups through his wife, Lucy, who reads his lips and interprets what he wants to say to the audience. With her help, he continues to coach a team that did so well that it made it to the state championships in 1985. When people ask how he is able to maintain his positive spirit and zest for life, Charlie responds, “There is one answer. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for God.” Lucy, who was his high school sweetheart, echoed this. “We both feel as if it’s okay if it’s over at any time, because we’ve had such a joyful life.”
Now, you see how joy and true happiness are derived? It is derived from finding meaning and purpose in the seemingly mundane activities that we engage in on a daily basis.
Of course, I don’t expect us to be dancing all the way to work or singing merrily in the rain. The reality is that life is tough. For the majority of us with bills to pay, bosses to please, and family to uphold, life will not be granting us frequent “kit-kat” breaks. But the challenges can no doubt be met if we see the whole picture of it all. And the whole picture is captured beautifully in the words of the holocaust survivor, Dr Victor Frankl, “Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.”
How many of us are living a life of no regrets? Those who can answer this affirmatively are few and far in between. Many of us secretly, if not openly, wished that we could have done things differently, or say it differently. In our words and actions, we have hurt many we love and disappointed many who had placed their hope on us.
If given an opportunity, we would have done and said it differently. We would have strived to make amends. But it is not too late. We have a whole future ahead of us to do it differently. We can still live as if we were living a second time and as though we had acted wrongly the first time. Seen in this light, building and restoring relationships ultimately become the reason for our living and the cause for our joy.
The urge to be free – physically, emotionally, and intellectually – is another basic force within the human spirit. This urge for physical freedom starts with the first grasp for breath at birth and continues throughout life.
Freedom necessitates two vital elements: self-determination and courage. The former is having the freedom to choose our own fate and course of action without being compelled to do so by others. The latter refers to the willingness to act positively in spite of fear.
When the goal of self-determination becomes a passion, people are willing to go to great lengths to achieve it. Sathaya Tor, a Cambodian, was, at age seven, taken from his family by Khmer Rouge soldiers and put into a child labor camp in the notorious killing fields of Cambodia. There he had to work twelve hours a day on only two scoops of rice. His urges to live and be free were so strong that he survived the hard reality: “I knew that when I was really starving, no one would take care of me. I had to take care of myself.” To do this at age seven was an incredible task.
Lastly, courage is taking a step forward with the hope that all will turn out all right. To repeat the words of Martin Luther King, “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fears.”
The urge to understand is another universal aspect of the spiritual self. To understand is to comprehend the nature and significance of something. The search for knowledge lives in everyone and nobody can deny its existence. As Eleanor Roosevelt observed, “Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive, one must never, for whatever reason, turn his or her back on life.” To learn is to be alive. This sense of wonder and curiosity are innate and it is most evident in young children. Their endless questions about everything, sometimes even bordering on being most annoying, show how alive they are, how fascinated they are about living, and how learning comes so naturally to them. Albert Einstein once remarked, “Most people stop looking when they find the proverbial needle in the haystack. I would continue to see if there were other needles.”
To me, the dullest people in this world are those who think they have arrived on earth, who claim that nothing surprises them, and who have ossified into their own fixed-mindset - not open to any good persuasion and not excitable by any new corrective knowledge. Such are what fundamentalist, fatalistic and nihilistic fanatics are made of.
In the book entitled Curious? by psychologist Todd Kashdan, the author explained in one illuminating paragraph how a pervading sense of curiosity can power our growth and dynamism. Here is the paragraph for your reflective digestion, “Curiosity is about recognizing and reaping the rewards of embracing the uncertain, the unknown, and the new. There is a simple story line for how curiosity is the engine of growth.
“By being curious, we explore.
By exploring, we discover.
When this is satisfying, we are more likely to repeat it.
By repeating it, we develop competence and mastery.
By developing competence and mastery, our knowledge and skills grow.”
The urge to create activates our unique ways of thinking, being, and doing with goals that show we are capable of originality and innovation. Albert Einstein had a visual mind. His theory of relativity was based on a sudden flash of insight he had when he visualized himself riding on a ray of light at the speed of light. This was the symbolic image that pointed him in the direction of his work on the theory of relativity.
In short, the urge to create refers to a limitless potential within us to imagine the impossible and to transform it into our present-day realities. Einstein once wrote, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
The urge to enjoy is a natural urge of young children, as natural as the urge to live. Actor Bill Crosby is one example of a man who knows how to laugh and to make others laugh with him wherever he goes. Those who know him say he is this way all of the time, often telling funny stories and playing practical jokes. Crosby’s naturally playful spirit was encouraged in childhood by is grandfather, who served as a role model by clowning around and telling funny stories that had a moral point.
As a child, Crosby was a comedian who loved mimicry and would rather clown around than study. Now Crosby designed his own material, never stooping to include off-colored or ethnic jokes, and focused instead on normal family events that can be seen as hilarious expressions of the human spirit.
It is sad that as we age, we become more conscious of ourselves and less free to laugh at ourselves. We take things so seriously that we have lost our funny bone. We also fail to see the lighter side of things. Nothing is seen as playful fun anymore. Our work becomes as dry as bone and as mundane as wall curtails. Our relationships become routine, predictable and even boring. We somehow take life so seriously that we have lost the innocence, wonders and excitable fun of our childhood.
I urge you to see the fun side of all things, all activities. Sometimes, we have to act silly, play ourselves like a fool, and laugh at our own goofiness. In one author’s words, we have to open ourselves to the bloom of irrational bliss. There is much to be enjoyed in this life. We do not need to go far to experience this magical joy of irrational bliss. We can find it in the silly dialogues with our children. We can unearth it in the mutual cuddling with our loved ones. And we can discover it in the simple pleasures of life, like reading a book, eating a delicious dessert, and silly dancing in our living room. Martin Luther once quipped, “If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I do no want to go there.”
The urge to connect with people propels us to search for love in authentic relationships that are open and honest rather than manipulative or superficial. Love is the ultimate connection between people. Let’s work on our closest relationships. Start with our spouse, children, next of kin, and friends. Yesterday, at the cell group, we talked about love being an equation as Love equal One over Power. This means that love is inversely proportional to power. The more love means the less power. And the reverse is this: more power means less love.
In short, the more you love, the more vulnerable you are. And the more vulnerable you are, the more exposed you are to being hurt, getting disappointed, and even feeling betrayed. Love can be the greatest force of all as well as the greatest disappointment of all. So, the price of love can be costly but, at the same time, most rewarding. This paradox is the most incomprehensible and enigmatic of all human endeavors. “The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable; through the embracing of one of its beings,” so says Martin Buber.
Jesus understood this principle well. He was in fact the self-embodiment of it. He was the greatest as well as the least of us all. He was the servant king, an oxymoronic term.
Husbands would do well to remember this simple yet powerful principle. It is always easy for the husbands to throw the scripture in the faces of their wives that says husbands are the head of the household or family just as Christ is the head of the Church. And thereafter act as if they are the self-appointed lordship over the other sex. But this is so one-sided and unilateral. They often ignore the more important latter-part of the scripture which strongly reminds husbands to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the Church. We all know the price Christ paid for his love for the Church. He paid with His life.
So the catch is simply this: Husbands who are deserving of being the head of the household have to demonstrate first their love for their wives in the same way that Christ demonstrated His love for the Church. The equation is simple enough and it is this: Wives can safely rely with sweet abandonment the stellar leadership of their husbands and defer to their wishes if they are equally assured that their soul mates are prepared at a skip of a beat to lay their lives for them.
Finally, the urge to transcend is defined as the ability to pass beyond a human limit, to reach up as well as out, to let go as well as hold on, to be open to the unknown as well as the known. To transcend is to rise above or pass beyond a human limit, to move beyond the everyday dimensions of life and its usual limitations.
The urge to transcend is also expressed as a yearning to transform our routine, habitual responses to ones that come more from the depths of our spirit. This happens when we appreciate the good that surrounds us, whether it is listening to the voices of children on a playground, watching the patterns of the rain rush down a window, or enjoying the brief encounters we have with different people throughout the day.
Generally, faith is the key to unlock our spiritual energies to reach for the unknown and to face adversity without nudging. Faith is the six-sense that transcends us to greater heights by believing in something, even when it cannot be proven.
The problem with most of us is that our faith fell short of that little leverage to lift us up. This accounts for the many times we are hit by the insidious darts of adversity. But this is because we got our priorities mixed up. We rely on ourselves instead of God to carry us through.
In short, don’t have faith in your own faith in God. But have faith in God’s faith in you. The former is stuff of what self-improvement is made of. The other is scriptural-based. The former is relying on your own strength. The other is relying on God’s promises.
Let me leave you with this quote from Dr Victor Frankl, “Just a small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it – likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicament and catastrophes, whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them.”
In the book, passion for life, authors Muriel James and John James illuminated this life of meaning and purpose by calling it a path with heart. Have you followed a path with heart recently? The authors defined a path with heart as “a course of action that calls us to respond with passion – to act on the basis of a positive emotional and intellectual commitment to someone or something. It calls us to devote positive energy and enthusiasm to an activity or a cause that has personal meaning.”
Although a path with heart demands personal sacrifices from us, it is ultimately rewarding and fulfilling in itself. Moses followed a path with heart when he finally heeded God’s call to free the Hebrews out of slavery in Egypt. Gandhi did the same by following a path with heart by turning his heart away from material comfort and using his legal skills and sharp mind to set the wheels of India’s independence running.
Many youth nowadays are asked, what do they want in life? Without much reflection, the answers are almost carbon copies of one another. They want to be happy. General happiness is what the youth nowadays are chasing after. But little do they know, the search for happiness will never be found because happiness is not a goal or an end in itself. It is a byproduct of an activity. It is derived from working on a goal. It is a journey to be savored. It is joyful working towards a life-affirming goal.
More importantly, ultimate fulfillment comes when we seek to bless others with our talents. It is when we see a smile from the faces of those we have helped that we in return experience an irrepressible joy within and a buoyancy of hope to move us forward in our own lives. This is the water brook that King David is talking about, the river of living waters that Jesus sermonizes about, and the water and air of living that we cannot live without.
Let’s return to our God-given urges, which none of us can ignore. Ultimately, the challenge to grow is threefold; to get in touch with the urges that come from our inner core, to set goals that are compatible with the growth of the human spirit, and to develop the personal qualities that are needed to reach those goals.
In the book Passion for life, there are essentially seven basic urges that will determine the pathway that we will tread upon in life and they are as follows:-
The urge to live is the most basic urge that all healthy persons experience. A Chinese proverb reads, “When the winter is severe, the pine trees in this ancient land stay green throughout the year. Is it because the earth is warm and friendly? No, it is because the pine trees have within itself a life-restoring power.” The urge to live is expressed in striving to survive, in looking for ways to be comfortable, and in searching for meaning or purpose.
Even when survival and comfort are uncertain or not possible, people may seek for deeper meaning to life as the admirable struggle of Charlie Wedemeyer shows. Wedermeyer suffered from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or ALS. In this disease, all nerves and muscles below the face eventually deteriorate. Although his life expectancy when ALS was diagnosed was only three years, he has kept on coaching for more than twelve years.
Now a quadriplegic who cannot move and speak, his spirit is still robust. He speaks to community groups through his wife, Lucy, who reads his lips and interprets what he wants to say to the audience. With her help, he continues to coach a team that did so well that it made it to the state championships in 1985. When people ask how he is able to maintain his positive spirit and zest for life, Charlie responds, “There is one answer. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for God.” Lucy, who was his high school sweetheart, echoed this. “We both feel as if it’s okay if it’s over at any time, because we’ve had such a joyful life.”
Now, you see how joy and true happiness are derived? It is derived from finding meaning and purpose in the seemingly mundane activities that we engage in on a daily basis.
Of course, I don’t expect us to be dancing all the way to work or singing merrily in the rain. The reality is that life is tough. For the majority of us with bills to pay, bosses to please, and family to uphold, life will not be granting us frequent “kit-kat” breaks. But the challenges can no doubt be met if we see the whole picture of it all. And the whole picture is captured beautifully in the words of the holocaust survivor, Dr Victor Frankl, “Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.”
How many of us are living a life of no regrets? Those who can answer this affirmatively are few and far in between. Many of us secretly, if not openly, wished that we could have done things differently, or say it differently. In our words and actions, we have hurt many we love and disappointed many who had placed their hope on us.
If given an opportunity, we would have done and said it differently. We would have strived to make amends. But it is not too late. We have a whole future ahead of us to do it differently. We can still live as if we were living a second time and as though we had acted wrongly the first time. Seen in this light, building and restoring relationships ultimately become the reason for our living and the cause for our joy.
The urge to be free – physically, emotionally, and intellectually – is another basic force within the human spirit. This urge for physical freedom starts with the first grasp for breath at birth and continues throughout life.
Freedom necessitates two vital elements: self-determination and courage. The former is having the freedom to choose our own fate and course of action without being compelled to do so by others. The latter refers to the willingness to act positively in spite of fear.
When the goal of self-determination becomes a passion, people are willing to go to great lengths to achieve it. Sathaya Tor, a Cambodian, was, at age seven, taken from his family by Khmer Rouge soldiers and put into a child labor camp in the notorious killing fields of Cambodia. There he had to work twelve hours a day on only two scoops of rice. His urges to live and be free were so strong that he survived the hard reality: “I knew that when I was really starving, no one would take care of me. I had to take care of myself.” To do this at age seven was an incredible task.
Lastly, courage is taking a step forward with the hope that all will turn out all right. To repeat the words of Martin Luther King, “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fears.”
The urge to understand is another universal aspect of the spiritual self. To understand is to comprehend the nature and significance of something. The search for knowledge lives in everyone and nobody can deny its existence. As Eleanor Roosevelt observed, “Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive, one must never, for whatever reason, turn his or her back on life.” To learn is to be alive. This sense of wonder and curiosity are innate and it is most evident in young children. Their endless questions about everything, sometimes even bordering on being most annoying, show how alive they are, how fascinated they are about living, and how learning comes so naturally to them. Albert Einstein once remarked, “Most people stop looking when they find the proverbial needle in the haystack. I would continue to see if there were other needles.”
To me, the dullest people in this world are those who think they have arrived on earth, who claim that nothing surprises them, and who have ossified into their own fixed-mindset - not open to any good persuasion and not excitable by any new corrective knowledge. Such are what fundamentalist, fatalistic and nihilistic fanatics are made of.
In the book entitled Curious? by psychologist Todd Kashdan, the author explained in one illuminating paragraph how a pervading sense of curiosity can power our growth and dynamism. Here is the paragraph for your reflective digestion, “Curiosity is about recognizing and reaping the rewards of embracing the uncertain, the unknown, and the new. There is a simple story line for how curiosity is the engine of growth.
“By being curious, we explore.
By exploring, we discover.
When this is satisfying, we are more likely to repeat it.
By repeating it, we develop competence and mastery.
By developing competence and mastery, our knowledge and skills grow.”
The urge to create activates our unique ways of thinking, being, and doing with goals that show we are capable of originality and innovation. Albert Einstein had a visual mind. His theory of relativity was based on a sudden flash of insight he had when he visualized himself riding on a ray of light at the speed of light. This was the symbolic image that pointed him in the direction of his work on the theory of relativity.
In short, the urge to create refers to a limitless potential within us to imagine the impossible and to transform it into our present-day realities. Einstein once wrote, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
The urge to enjoy is a natural urge of young children, as natural as the urge to live. Actor Bill Crosby is one example of a man who knows how to laugh and to make others laugh with him wherever he goes. Those who know him say he is this way all of the time, often telling funny stories and playing practical jokes. Crosby’s naturally playful spirit was encouraged in childhood by is grandfather, who served as a role model by clowning around and telling funny stories that had a moral point.
As a child, Crosby was a comedian who loved mimicry and would rather clown around than study. Now Crosby designed his own material, never stooping to include off-colored or ethnic jokes, and focused instead on normal family events that can be seen as hilarious expressions of the human spirit.
It is sad that as we age, we become more conscious of ourselves and less free to laugh at ourselves. We take things so seriously that we have lost our funny bone. We also fail to see the lighter side of things. Nothing is seen as playful fun anymore. Our work becomes as dry as bone and as mundane as wall curtails. Our relationships become routine, predictable and even boring. We somehow take life so seriously that we have lost the innocence, wonders and excitable fun of our childhood.
I urge you to see the fun side of all things, all activities. Sometimes, we have to act silly, play ourselves like a fool, and laugh at our own goofiness. In one author’s words, we have to open ourselves to the bloom of irrational bliss. There is much to be enjoyed in this life. We do not need to go far to experience this magical joy of irrational bliss. We can find it in the silly dialogues with our children. We can unearth it in the mutual cuddling with our loved ones. And we can discover it in the simple pleasures of life, like reading a book, eating a delicious dessert, and silly dancing in our living room. Martin Luther once quipped, “If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I do no want to go there.”
The urge to connect with people propels us to search for love in authentic relationships that are open and honest rather than manipulative or superficial. Love is the ultimate connection between people. Let’s work on our closest relationships. Start with our spouse, children, next of kin, and friends. Yesterday, at the cell group, we talked about love being an equation as Love equal One over Power. This means that love is inversely proportional to power. The more love means the less power. And the reverse is this: more power means less love.
In short, the more you love, the more vulnerable you are. And the more vulnerable you are, the more exposed you are to being hurt, getting disappointed, and even feeling betrayed. Love can be the greatest force of all as well as the greatest disappointment of all. So, the price of love can be costly but, at the same time, most rewarding. This paradox is the most incomprehensible and enigmatic of all human endeavors. “The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable; through the embracing of one of its beings,” so says Martin Buber.
Jesus understood this principle well. He was in fact the self-embodiment of it. He was the greatest as well as the least of us all. He was the servant king, an oxymoronic term.
Husbands would do well to remember this simple yet powerful principle. It is always easy for the husbands to throw the scripture in the faces of their wives that says husbands are the head of the household or family just as Christ is the head of the Church. And thereafter act as if they are the self-appointed lordship over the other sex. But this is so one-sided and unilateral. They often ignore the more important latter-part of the scripture which strongly reminds husbands to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the Church. We all know the price Christ paid for his love for the Church. He paid with His life.
So the catch is simply this: Husbands who are deserving of being the head of the household have to demonstrate first their love for their wives in the same way that Christ demonstrated His love for the Church. The equation is simple enough and it is this: Wives can safely rely with sweet abandonment the stellar leadership of their husbands and defer to their wishes if they are equally assured that their soul mates are prepared at a skip of a beat to lay their lives for them.
Finally, the urge to transcend is defined as the ability to pass beyond a human limit, to reach up as well as out, to let go as well as hold on, to be open to the unknown as well as the known. To transcend is to rise above or pass beyond a human limit, to move beyond the everyday dimensions of life and its usual limitations.
The urge to transcend is also expressed as a yearning to transform our routine, habitual responses to ones that come more from the depths of our spirit. This happens when we appreciate the good that surrounds us, whether it is listening to the voices of children on a playground, watching the patterns of the rain rush down a window, or enjoying the brief encounters we have with different people throughout the day.
Generally, faith is the key to unlock our spiritual energies to reach for the unknown and to face adversity without nudging. Faith is the six-sense that transcends us to greater heights by believing in something, even when it cannot be proven.
The problem with most of us is that our faith fell short of that little leverage to lift us up. This accounts for the many times we are hit by the insidious darts of adversity. But this is because we got our priorities mixed up. We rely on ourselves instead of God to carry us through.
In short, don’t have faith in your own faith in God. But have faith in God’s faith in you. The former is stuff of what self-improvement is made of. The other is scriptural-based. The former is relying on your own strength. The other is relying on God’s promises.
Let me leave you with this quote from Dr Victor Frankl, “Just a small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it – likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicament and catastrophes, whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them.”
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday's Recap (130810)
As this year draws to a close, there is only one message I would like to share with you: Be a rescuer for God. This message was born out of the fiery furnace of September 11 tragedy. A man was asked by the media what should parents tell their children about the terrorist attacks and his answer was simple, “Keep your eyes on the rescuers.” I think this is the best answer any right-thinking person can give and a hopeful message for the coming year.
The mentality of a rescuer is unique and extraordinarily resilient. They are never distracted by the worries of life. They may be surrounded by the carnage that evil men leave behind but there is only one persistent thought in their mind, “how to make a difference.” They are always the positive force in a situation immersed in the worst of negative scenarios. The rescuer’s mentality knows no self-interest or self-preservation. They are self-denying and self-sacrificing. However, they do not see their act as acts of heroism. They see it as ordinary and natural as feeding a child or giving spare change to a street beggar.
A rescuer’s life is unique because he celebrates life by giving and not taking, he finds joy in serving and not being served, and he overcomes personal setbacks by focusing on others instead of himself. This is the best year end message I can share with you and it is in line with what Jesus commanded before he was crucified, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart…And the second, Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matt 22:37-39)
In the book, why good things happen to good people, by Stephen Post and Jill Neimark, the authors recounted a rescuer’s life in a doctor named Richard Fratianne. He was a director of a Burn Care Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland. In the good doctor’s own words, he recounted, “I was successful in treating patients with life-threatening, serious burns. But they’d leave the hospital badly scarred and go on to live their life in the shadows, with big floppy hats and long sleeves. I couldn’t send my patients back into the world without returning a sense of dignity and wholeness to their lives.” Empowered by this conviction, Dr Fratianne overhauled his burn unit into a living, breathing love center. He decided to love his patients back to life. He assembled a team of caring doctors, psychologists, and social workers, all of whose aim was to help the patients heal both body and soul. The results were life-changing for both the patients and the medical team.
“No other work could have brought me so much fulfillment,” exclaimed the doctor. He then went on to describe a four years old girl named Lucy who was nearly burned to death in a fire. Lucy then needed twelve surgeries, prosthetic legs and months of therapy at the Center. However this little-four year old was a towering spirit.
“Lucy always celebrates life,” recalled the doctor. “She comes to our burn camp every year and participates in everything, rides horses, plays tug-of-war, swims like a fish, and if you look at her with pity she gives you a big smile as if to say, “I’m happy, I’m good, I’m okay, and glad to be alive.” Dr Fratianne then concluded, “Tomorrow is promised to no one. Every day is precious. This is what my work with burn patients has taught me.”
How many of us could confidently look up to a stranger with a big smile if we had suffered the same awful, unspeakable fate as Lucy? How many four- year olds could participate so freely in the world when her face has been so irreparably scarred – especially for a girl so young and so innocent? Alas, I know of a lot of teenagers who would force themselves to stay at home and sulk when a pimple rears its ugly head on their cheeks. Imagine their reaction if they had their faces burned beyond recognition, had to struggle with false legs, and had to live with horrid scars for life.
Lucy was able to face the world with beauty and confidence beyond the superficial because she had a group of dedicated caregivers who chose to make a difference in her little life by becoming her personal rescuers. They gave her reasons to cheer up, hope to face the world without shame, and meaning to live life with courage. A rescuer is therefore a keeper of meaning. Every thought and every act impart hope and meaning to those lives whom the rescuer has touched. A rescuer’s contribution imbues courage and cause for the sufferers or victims to overcome their own life’s obstacles.
We can similarly make a difference in the lives of our loved ones by becoming their rescuers. The only requirement is for us to always put them first before ourselves. Ultimately, this is what it means to be human, to be a child of God.
Victor Frankl, a survivor of the holocaust, once wrote, “Being human always points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself – be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself – by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love – the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself…self-actualization is possible only as a side effect of self transcendence.”
Being a rescuer for God starts with our neighbor and our neighbor are the ones closest to us. Always bear in mind that everybody, no matter how well off they may seem to be, needs to be “rescued” from something. And it is within your power, however small, to extend a helping hand. A wife sometimes needs a hug. A husband occasionally needs some space and understanding. A child needs to be encouraged. A friend needs to be assured. And the bereaved needs a listening ear. These are simple needs that can easily be fulfilled by us as rescuers.
We can rescue our spouse from the stress of work by being more patient with their irrational outbursts. We can rescue our children from taunting and bullies at school by taking the time to assure them of their worth in the eyes of God. We can rescue our friends from loneliness by spending time with them. We can make a difference in the lives of others just by a simple act of sparing both thought and time for them. Always remember that it is the simple and small acts that accumulate to make the appreciable difference. You can make a little difference in their lives by being a little more sensitive to their needs, a little more patient, a little more understanding, and a little more helpful to them. Mother Theresa once said, “we can do no great things; only small things with great love.” This is the guiding motto for a true blooded rescuer.
A lot of my divorce clients, especially the wives, whose husbands have walked out of the family for another younger woman, cried out to be rescued not from their husband’s torment or betrayal but from themselves. They were unable to forgive themselves because they wrongly blamed themselves for their husband’s unfaithfulness. They mentally hit their heads against the wall for not doing enough to keep their husbands. They were ravaged by misplaced guilt from personal accusations most undeserved. I realized that I could make a difference in their lives by dropping hints here and there about their self-worth. I could awaken them to realize that they were not the ones at fault by resolving their guilt through self affirmations. The point is that it doesn’t take much to bring some form of timely relief to the lives of people who are suffering, and this is why no one is ever disqualified from being a rescuer for God.
As a rescuer, we are not called to be the savior of the world or the deliverer of world peace. We don’t have to do great things to be counted. We are not expected to do what the billionaire Bill Gates had done and that is to quit his job so that he could run his charitable organization called Gates Foundation, full time. Neither are we expected to give US$40 billion dollars away to charity like what investment guru Warren Buffet did in 2006.
A rescuer is a rescuer at heart first before deeds. It is the heart that makes the difference. Let our life be the message - a living, breathing testament to our spouse, children and friends. Remember that a candle loses nothing of its light by lighting another candle. In passing that little flicker to our loved ones, we are unknowingly brightening our lives as well as the lives of others.
This world no doubt needs to be changed but it takes every small, daily and consistent effort by rescuers like us to change it. And the first change has to start with us. An Anglican bishop who lived in Westminster Abbey 900 years ago once wrote, “When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.”
Don’t wait until you are drawing your last breath to realize that the change you wish to see in others is in fact the change that is first required of you.
It therefore bears repeating: Be a rescuer for God. This is the only way we can find self-fulfillment. This is the only way we can overcome our own problems and afflictions. This is the only way others can see the glory of God in our lives. It therefore comes as no surprise to me that a Time magazine poll of over one thousand Americans found that the first four major sources of happiness were all about securing the happiness of others:-
a) For 77 percent, their children were the major source of happiness.
b) Friendships were a source of happiness for 76 percent.
c) Contributing to the lives of others made 75 percent happy.
d) Their relationship with their partner was a major source for 73 percent.
After all is said and done, the secret of happiness is to put others first. We can therefore stop spending money on clothes to make us feel good. We can stop frequenting bars and clubs to look for love or to feel loved. We can stop working with no end in sight in order to make our family happy (for in the end, it is not the bacon on the table, but the man who brings home the bacon that they missed most). We are therefore happiest when we make others happy. We do so by giving ourselves to them.
Even in our own affliction, we can still draw strength and hope in lending a helping hand to those in need, regardless of how bad our own situation is. This is best illustrated by Rabbi Harold S Kushner in his remarkable bestseller, when bad things happen to good people. In the book, he recounted an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died.
This is the tale as it is written, “In her grief, she went to the holy man and said, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?” Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.” The woman set off at once in search of that magical mustard seed. She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me” They told her, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had recently befallen them. The woman said to herself, “Who is better able to help these poor unfortunate people than I, who have had misfortune of my own?” She stayed to comfort them, then went on in her search for a home that had never known sorrow. But whenever she turned, in hovels and in palaces, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune. Ultimately, she became so involved in ministering to other people’s grief that she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed, never realizing that it had in fact driven the sorrow out of her life.”
It is only when we discover that the “magical mustard seed” that we have been looking for all our lives is in the act of giving of ourselves to others, relieving of their pain, and contributing to their recovery, that we are then able to heal our own pain and sorrow. The “magic” is therefore not in the mustard seed to resolve all sorrows; but it is in us being rescuers to those in need of being rescued.
In a magical sort of way, helping others keep us from dwelling on our problem. The distraction is a blessing because helping others increases our sense of self control. When we relieve another of his or her problem, however small the progress, we experience a pervading sense of personal satisfaction and achievement. The more people we help, the more we feel accomplished. This build up is self empowering and we unknowingly add to our inner reserve of hope, strength and resilience to overcome our own problem. The empowerment is therefore self-reinforcing. The more we help, the more empowerment we feel, and the more empowerment we feel, the more we are able to resolve our own problem.
I have read of an amazing testimony of a man who was born without arms or legs. He lived in the outskirts of a village in a little bamboo hut of the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan. When people brought him small gifts like food, blanket and radio, he would look at them and laugh, “What could I possibly need?” What abundance mentality!
Despite his condition, this man became the village advisor. When the village had problems, they would go to him. He brought comfort to everyone who came to him for counseling. The man without arms and legs found happiness in helping others. His inspiration for life is to be an inspiration to others.
Indeed, every life has its moments of quiet heroism, no matter how ordinary the heroic act is. The man has found his purpose for life and it is a purpose beyond himself, beyond his handicap, beyond his disability. A wise man once said, “When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bounds. Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.” This is the strength you garner to lift your own load of troubles after you have lifted another’s.
So, beloved, your year-end resolution should be: Be a rescuer for God. Nothing is more rewarding and more fulfilling than to be another’s benefactor, to be a keeper of meaning, to be a mentor to the young, and to leave a lasting legacy of charity to your children.
Let me end with these simple, heartfelt words penned by a philosopher Jeremy Bentham, shortly before his death. In a letter written as a birthday advice to a friend’s young daughter, he wrote, “Create all the happiness you are able to create: remove all the misery you are able to remove. Every day will allow you to add something to the pleasure of others, or to diminish something of their pains. And for every grain of enjoyment you sow in the bosom of another, you shall find a harvest in your own bosom; while every sorrow which you pluck from the thoughts and feelings of a fellow creature shall be replaced by beautiful peace and joy in the sanctuary of your soul”.
Postscript:
The measure of a life well-lived is how much we give and how much we forgive. The equation I see is one of additions and subtractions. Every time we give something of ourselves, our time, our knowledge, our love and devotion, our resources, we add to life’s scorecard. Every time we take from others, their time, their resources, their attention, we subtract from it.
We move forward by giving and forgiving; we regress by taking and begrudging. Nothing consumes our spirit more than to bear a grudge and to consciously nurture that grudge to full blown hatred. Unforgiveness retards our personal growth. Unforgiveness closes all doors once opened. Unforgiveness kills hope, saps strength and strangles love.
Make every day counts by giving and forgiving. Be kinder, humbler and gentler. Shed off your male ego. Get rid of your female needy-ness. Imagine a world where lives’ scorecards are always positive; where giving and forgiving are the norm; where old scores are wiped clean and new lasting relationships are formed.
A world like that has no room for racism, bigotry, arrogance, and misogyny (hatred of women). This world is conceivable, achievable and self-sustainable. It demands only that we make small, daily and consistent efforts to add to our scorecard more than we subtract from it.
For in the end, the more we loose ourselves, the more we gain in God. This noble and powerful truth is best expressed by Mother Theresa, “The prize with which God rewards our self-abandonment is Himself.”
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday's Recap (230710)
Last Friday’s cell was all about parenting. Recently I read a book called The Council of Dads by Bruce Feiler. You may know him as the author of Walking the Bible where he took about ten years to retrace the Bible through the war zones of the Middle East. Bruce was a father of a pair of young twin daughters, Eden and Tybee. In 2008, he learned that he had “a seven-inch cancerous tumor” in his left femur. At that moment, Bruce felt completely lost and he was extremely fearful of his future as a husband and a father. As the fragility of his own mortality stared unflinchingly in his face, he came up with a novel idea called the Council of Dads for his twin daughters. He basically wanted a father-figure to be around his daughters, to give them timely advice, to sit in his place to counsel them, to help them in times of need, and to show them all the good things in this world that he is unable to do so himself.
In a touching letter to six of his friends, whom he had elected to form the council, Bruce wrote these words, “A few days later, I woke up suddenly before dawn and thought of a way I might help recreate my voice for them. I started making a list of six men – from all parts of my life, beginning with when I was a child and stretching through today. These are men who know me best. The men who share my values. The men who helped shape and guide me. The men who traveled with me, studied with me, have been through the pain and happiness with me. Men who know my voice.”
The letters were sent to these six men with this heart-felt invitation, “Will you help be their dad? Will you listen in on them? Will you answer their questions? Will you take them out to lunch every now and then? Will you go to a soccer game if you’re in town? Will you watch their ballet moves for the umpteenth time? When they get older, will you indulge them in a new pair of shoes? Or buy them a new cell phone, or some other gadget I can’t even imagine right now? Will you give them advice? Will you be tough as I would be? Will you help them out in a crisis? And as time passes, will you invite them to a family gathering on occasion? Will you introduce them to somebody who might help one of their dreams come true? Will you tell them what I would be thinking? Will you tell them how proud I would be?...Will you be my voice?”
The first dad was Jeff Shumlin. He was to be his daughters’ life coach and to teach them how to travel. Jeff believed in growth through a sense of community. He was to be his voice of risk taking, to travel to unknown places, to be wholly immersed in a foreign culture, and to go off the beaten track. In other words, uncle Jeff was to be the girls’ tour guide, a world navigator, and a fun organizer, all rolled into one.
The second dad was Max Stier. When Max was asked to be in the council of dads, his gladly agreed and replied, “I would start by saying how much you loved them. How I watched you blossom by having children. How good a dad you were. The most important thing a parent can do, I believe, is water a child profusely with love. I would water your children with love.” Whoa, what a powerful analogy! This is indeed the epitome of a parent’s love: to water their children with love, unconditional love.
The third dad was David Black. David was Bruce’s literary agent and he was instrumental in helping Bruce publish his books. So, you can say that David was a “broker of dreams”, someone who spurred Bruce on when he was discouraged and invigorated him with hope and purpose when he found none. Bruce wanted the same inspirational coach for his twins - someone who would instill a sense of vision and hope in his daughters and prod them on to take up one dream after another and own them. When Bruce asked David, “What he learned from all these years as a curator of dreams. What’s the most important gift you can give to a dreamer?” He answered, “The belief in their ability to succeed…Because when you believe in them, you give them the strength to believe in themselves.”
The fourth dad was Ben Edwards, a bone radiologist. In his own words, Bruce spelt out the reason he chose Ben, “And these are the qualities I wanted Ben to impart to my girls. He would convey the importance of being from a place. How you carry that place with you wherever you go. How you keep coming back to it time and again no matter how long you live…” Bruce imagined that Ben would softly whisper to his girls these words, “This is where your daddy came from…This is where you come from, too.” In other words, Ben would teach his twins how to remember their roots, their historical birthmark.
The fifth dad was another Ben, by the name of Ben Sherwood. Bruce wanted someone like Ben to teach his daughter how to question everything and not to take things on its face-value. In this regards, Ben fulfilled this role perfectly. Ben’s fierce inquisitorial style was a cut off the old block, that is, he takes after his own father. In the book, Ben describes his own father in these words, “He was focused on family…Dad’s parenting style was to be present as much as possible, given the demands of his life. That meant he was here for breakfast and dinner, during which time it was expected that we would have a serious conversation about the world. My dad had a voracious curiosity. He ran a famous clipping service in which he dispatched yellow envelopes from his law firm with articles on some obscure topic from some esoteric publication, pertinent to someone’s work or family. We all got them. In college I had stacks of unopened envelopes because I just couldn’t keep up!”
Bruce believed that under the wise guidance of Ben, his daughters would learn to see the deeper side of things. They would be less gullible and impressionable in this world of the proverbial foxes and wolves. They would see the hidden motives and agendas, the superficial and the insubstantial. In his own words, Bruce wrote, “Though Ben was one of the first dads on my list, he was about to become one of the last to know. The reason: Ben is the friend who questions. He challenges assumptions and picks apart flaws…Ben is the inquisitor. He’s the drill sergeant making sure every decision is thought through and every emotion pure. Push it! Push it! Just one more round. No pain, no gain!”
The last dad on Bruce’s list was Joshua Ramo. I guess this last choice was the easiest because Joshua was with him throughout his illness, his fight against the cancer, the pain and the sufferings, and the dreaded after-effects of the chemotherapy. In one passage of the book, Bruce wrote, “Then I got sick, and overnight Joshua became a fixture in our lives, a monthly comet and comforting compatriot. It was during those months that I discovered a new side of him – a side that reminded me of, well, me.”
Further in the book, there is an interesting exchange between Bruce and Joshua based on future contingencies of his daughters and this exchange is best extracted wholesale for your digest.
“If the girls came to you and asked what it was like during this year, what would you tell them?” Bruce asked Joshua.
His reply came swiftly, “I would tell them I saw a man who had lived his life in such a way that when he was confronted with the worst possible thing that can face a man, he was able to face it with no regrets. Think of how few people can say that. I’ve been with other people who are struggling through potentially terminal disease. I know what that looks like. You didn’t look like that. And the reason, I think, is that you know who you are. You have a clear sense of internal navigation.”
And the exchange continued, “So, how do you teach someone that? If my girls asked you for help in discovering themselves, what would you do?”
“Ah, that’s easy, I believe the best teacher is beauty. I’ll teach them to memorize Auden poems and Shakespeare sonnets so that wherever they are at any given moment in the world, they can just sit under a tree and have Auden or Shakespeare or whomever as their companion for an afternoon. I’ll give them the sound of Mahler symphonies that they can hear again and again and that will always trigger similar emotions. I’ll show them how to appreciate Chinese calligraphy, which is an expression of your internal energy. If you have any doubt in your heart, it shows up in the brushstroke.”
In one of the poignant passages, Joshua concluded, “What I want Eden and Tybee to know is how easy it is to see beauty. How the wonder they felt on that plane never has to leave them. Miracles are all around them. They just have to learn to see through the clouds, and go out and harvest those miracles themselves. And, of course, I’d want them to know that this way of seeing never left you (Bruce), even when you were sick. And it’s how all of us who love them want them to see the world, too.”
Dear cell, I brought this story up about Bruce’s struggle over cancer and his very whimsical but beautiful future plan for his daughters when he is gone to show an important lesson that all of us, as parents, can learn in our living years. And the lesson is this: What legacy do we want to leave for our children? Or what life’s lessons do we want our children to learn from us?
At yesterday’s cell, we started off with Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The operative word here is “train up”. The Bible did not tell us to teach them, implying a teacher-and-student relationship. Neither did the Bible tell us to lecture or command our children, implying an authority-based, hierarchical relationship. It deliberately uses the word “train up”. Training is a long drawn out process involving disciplining and apprenticeship. It also implies an intimate relationship between the trainer and his or her trainees. It calls for leading by example, mentoring by applying the right principles, and giving the trainees enough room to develop their own strengths and talents.
Parenting I guess is no different from this process of training. Like a shepherd leading his flock of sheep, gently prodding them along the narrow pathway and away from the falling cliffs and perilous edges, we parents perform a sacred and indispensable role of guiding our children on the right track, setting an example for them to emulate, and always being there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on. Although our job can at times be arduous and exhausting, it is the most rewarding job in this world.
But are we up to the challenge? Can we make a difference in the lives of our children, impacting them in a positive way so that they can do the same for their own children? What can our children learn from us as their parents that will remain with them for the rest of their lives?
Of course, we want the best for our children. Expecting them to embody virtues like respecting others, honesty, a sense of fairness, a good measure of responsibility, compassion and passion for just causes, having faith and hope at all times, and becoming successful in their own way without losing sight of what’s truly matters. To achieve all of that within a short parental duration of 16 years before our children matures to become independent young adults is a job that is equal to, if not more challenging than, the task of running a whole nation.
The Bible in Deuteronomy 6:7 tells us to teach our children well. But I believe that to do just that we have to be well trained ourselves. Have we embodied those qualities that we want our children to embody? It is said that kids are more inclined to believe God’s truth and embrace it when they have seen it embodied in a changed life. So, we as parents have to lead in our home by example. A Chasidic saying expresses the same sentiment, “I did not go to the Master to learn sacred scripture, but to watch him tie his shoes.” Are we “tying our shoe laces right”?
In their lives, our children will be exposed to all kinds of influences. They will be swayed by their peers, pressured by their teachers, and even manipulated by the media. The question here is this: Whose influence would be the strongest and longest lasting, yours or the rest? I once overheard a conversation between a father and his college son. His father asked him who he wanted to be after he graduates. The answer came as a pleasant surprise to the father. The son replied, “I want to be like you.” Honestly, if my son had given me the same reply, I’d know that I must have done something right over the years as his devoted father.
I guess we as parents are still maturing in our own ways, learning from our past mistakes and sometimes making the same mistakes ourselves. It is inevitable that we will fall and fail and disappoint our spouse and our children. The road to parenthood will never end until we heave our last breath. It is a “from-their-cradle-to-our-grave” kind of job.
So, I think the legacy that we want to leave for our children is to train them to turn their eyes upon Jesus, to follow His example and teachings, and to seek His counsel when trials come their way. This is the best legacy a Christian parent can give to his child. And, as best as possible, it is our hope as parents that in this long, rewarding journey of parenthood, we will, on most occasions, reflect the likeness of Christ in our speech, conduct and thoughts. In other words, let us ensure that our shoe laces are properly tied before we go about teaching our children to tie theirs.
Have a meaningful weekend.
In a touching letter to six of his friends, whom he had elected to form the council, Bruce wrote these words, “A few days later, I woke up suddenly before dawn and thought of a way I might help recreate my voice for them. I started making a list of six men – from all parts of my life, beginning with when I was a child and stretching through today. These are men who know me best. The men who share my values. The men who helped shape and guide me. The men who traveled with me, studied with me, have been through the pain and happiness with me. Men who know my voice.”
The letters were sent to these six men with this heart-felt invitation, “Will you help be their dad? Will you listen in on them? Will you answer their questions? Will you take them out to lunch every now and then? Will you go to a soccer game if you’re in town? Will you watch their ballet moves for the umpteenth time? When they get older, will you indulge them in a new pair of shoes? Or buy them a new cell phone, or some other gadget I can’t even imagine right now? Will you give them advice? Will you be tough as I would be? Will you help them out in a crisis? And as time passes, will you invite them to a family gathering on occasion? Will you introduce them to somebody who might help one of their dreams come true? Will you tell them what I would be thinking? Will you tell them how proud I would be?...Will you be my voice?”
The first dad was Jeff Shumlin. He was to be his daughters’ life coach and to teach them how to travel. Jeff believed in growth through a sense of community. He was to be his voice of risk taking, to travel to unknown places, to be wholly immersed in a foreign culture, and to go off the beaten track. In other words, uncle Jeff was to be the girls’ tour guide, a world navigator, and a fun organizer, all rolled into one.
The second dad was Max Stier. When Max was asked to be in the council of dads, his gladly agreed and replied, “I would start by saying how much you loved them. How I watched you blossom by having children. How good a dad you were. The most important thing a parent can do, I believe, is water a child profusely with love. I would water your children with love.” Whoa, what a powerful analogy! This is indeed the epitome of a parent’s love: to water their children with love, unconditional love.
The third dad was David Black. David was Bruce’s literary agent and he was instrumental in helping Bruce publish his books. So, you can say that David was a “broker of dreams”, someone who spurred Bruce on when he was discouraged and invigorated him with hope and purpose when he found none. Bruce wanted the same inspirational coach for his twins - someone who would instill a sense of vision and hope in his daughters and prod them on to take up one dream after another and own them. When Bruce asked David, “What he learned from all these years as a curator of dreams. What’s the most important gift you can give to a dreamer?” He answered, “The belief in their ability to succeed…Because when you believe in them, you give them the strength to believe in themselves.”
The fourth dad was Ben Edwards, a bone radiologist. In his own words, Bruce spelt out the reason he chose Ben, “And these are the qualities I wanted Ben to impart to my girls. He would convey the importance of being from a place. How you carry that place with you wherever you go. How you keep coming back to it time and again no matter how long you live…” Bruce imagined that Ben would softly whisper to his girls these words, “This is where your daddy came from…This is where you come from, too.” In other words, Ben would teach his twins how to remember their roots, their historical birthmark.
The fifth dad was another Ben, by the name of Ben Sherwood. Bruce wanted someone like Ben to teach his daughter how to question everything and not to take things on its face-value. In this regards, Ben fulfilled this role perfectly. Ben’s fierce inquisitorial style was a cut off the old block, that is, he takes after his own father. In the book, Ben describes his own father in these words, “He was focused on family…Dad’s parenting style was to be present as much as possible, given the demands of his life. That meant he was here for breakfast and dinner, during which time it was expected that we would have a serious conversation about the world. My dad had a voracious curiosity. He ran a famous clipping service in which he dispatched yellow envelopes from his law firm with articles on some obscure topic from some esoteric publication, pertinent to someone’s work or family. We all got them. In college I had stacks of unopened envelopes because I just couldn’t keep up!”
Bruce believed that under the wise guidance of Ben, his daughters would learn to see the deeper side of things. They would be less gullible and impressionable in this world of the proverbial foxes and wolves. They would see the hidden motives and agendas, the superficial and the insubstantial. In his own words, Bruce wrote, “Though Ben was one of the first dads on my list, he was about to become one of the last to know. The reason: Ben is the friend who questions. He challenges assumptions and picks apart flaws…Ben is the inquisitor. He’s the drill sergeant making sure every decision is thought through and every emotion pure. Push it! Push it! Just one more round. No pain, no gain!”
The last dad on Bruce’s list was Joshua Ramo. I guess this last choice was the easiest because Joshua was with him throughout his illness, his fight against the cancer, the pain and the sufferings, and the dreaded after-effects of the chemotherapy. In one passage of the book, Bruce wrote, “Then I got sick, and overnight Joshua became a fixture in our lives, a monthly comet and comforting compatriot. It was during those months that I discovered a new side of him – a side that reminded me of, well, me.”
Further in the book, there is an interesting exchange between Bruce and Joshua based on future contingencies of his daughters and this exchange is best extracted wholesale for your digest.
“If the girls came to you and asked what it was like during this year, what would you tell them?” Bruce asked Joshua.
His reply came swiftly, “I would tell them I saw a man who had lived his life in such a way that when he was confronted with the worst possible thing that can face a man, he was able to face it with no regrets. Think of how few people can say that. I’ve been with other people who are struggling through potentially terminal disease. I know what that looks like. You didn’t look like that. And the reason, I think, is that you know who you are. You have a clear sense of internal navigation.”
And the exchange continued, “So, how do you teach someone that? If my girls asked you for help in discovering themselves, what would you do?”
“Ah, that’s easy, I believe the best teacher is beauty. I’ll teach them to memorize Auden poems and Shakespeare sonnets so that wherever they are at any given moment in the world, they can just sit under a tree and have Auden or Shakespeare or whomever as their companion for an afternoon. I’ll give them the sound of Mahler symphonies that they can hear again and again and that will always trigger similar emotions. I’ll show them how to appreciate Chinese calligraphy, which is an expression of your internal energy. If you have any doubt in your heart, it shows up in the brushstroke.”
In one of the poignant passages, Joshua concluded, “What I want Eden and Tybee to know is how easy it is to see beauty. How the wonder they felt on that plane never has to leave them. Miracles are all around them. They just have to learn to see through the clouds, and go out and harvest those miracles themselves. And, of course, I’d want them to know that this way of seeing never left you (Bruce), even when you were sick. And it’s how all of us who love them want them to see the world, too.”
Dear cell, I brought this story up about Bruce’s struggle over cancer and his very whimsical but beautiful future plan for his daughters when he is gone to show an important lesson that all of us, as parents, can learn in our living years. And the lesson is this: What legacy do we want to leave for our children? Or what life’s lessons do we want our children to learn from us?
At yesterday’s cell, we started off with Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The operative word here is “train up”. The Bible did not tell us to teach them, implying a teacher-and-student relationship. Neither did the Bible tell us to lecture or command our children, implying an authority-based, hierarchical relationship. It deliberately uses the word “train up”. Training is a long drawn out process involving disciplining and apprenticeship. It also implies an intimate relationship between the trainer and his or her trainees. It calls for leading by example, mentoring by applying the right principles, and giving the trainees enough room to develop their own strengths and talents.
Parenting I guess is no different from this process of training. Like a shepherd leading his flock of sheep, gently prodding them along the narrow pathway and away from the falling cliffs and perilous edges, we parents perform a sacred and indispensable role of guiding our children on the right track, setting an example for them to emulate, and always being there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on. Although our job can at times be arduous and exhausting, it is the most rewarding job in this world.
But are we up to the challenge? Can we make a difference in the lives of our children, impacting them in a positive way so that they can do the same for their own children? What can our children learn from us as their parents that will remain with them for the rest of their lives?
Of course, we want the best for our children. Expecting them to embody virtues like respecting others, honesty, a sense of fairness, a good measure of responsibility, compassion and passion for just causes, having faith and hope at all times, and becoming successful in their own way without losing sight of what’s truly matters. To achieve all of that within a short parental duration of 16 years before our children matures to become independent young adults is a job that is equal to, if not more challenging than, the task of running a whole nation.
The Bible in Deuteronomy 6:7 tells us to teach our children well. But I believe that to do just that we have to be well trained ourselves. Have we embodied those qualities that we want our children to embody? It is said that kids are more inclined to believe God’s truth and embrace it when they have seen it embodied in a changed life. So, we as parents have to lead in our home by example. A Chasidic saying expresses the same sentiment, “I did not go to the Master to learn sacred scripture, but to watch him tie his shoes.” Are we “tying our shoe laces right”?
In their lives, our children will be exposed to all kinds of influences. They will be swayed by their peers, pressured by their teachers, and even manipulated by the media. The question here is this: Whose influence would be the strongest and longest lasting, yours or the rest? I once overheard a conversation between a father and his college son. His father asked him who he wanted to be after he graduates. The answer came as a pleasant surprise to the father. The son replied, “I want to be like you.” Honestly, if my son had given me the same reply, I’d know that I must have done something right over the years as his devoted father.
I guess we as parents are still maturing in our own ways, learning from our past mistakes and sometimes making the same mistakes ourselves. It is inevitable that we will fall and fail and disappoint our spouse and our children. The road to parenthood will never end until we heave our last breath. It is a “from-their-cradle-to-our-grave” kind of job.
So, I think the legacy that we want to leave for our children is to train them to turn their eyes upon Jesus, to follow His example and teachings, and to seek His counsel when trials come their way. This is the best legacy a Christian parent can give to his child. And, as best as possible, it is our hope as parents that in this long, rewarding journey of parenthood, we will, on most occasions, reflect the likeness of Christ in our speech, conduct and thoughts. In other words, let us ensure that our shoe laces are properly tied before we go about teaching our children to tie theirs.
Have a meaningful weekend.
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