Dear Cell, I write to you to let you know that this Saturday afternoon, I will be counseling a couple about their marriage. They are on the verge of a break up. They cannot stand each other. They have been living in separate rooms for some time now. They have a son who is only three years old. But they wanted me to talk to them because they wanted a last shot in their relationship. As for me, I really hope to make a difference, however small. I hope to plant some good seeds. I hope to nurture and grow these seeds in the right direction. Here are my seeds in a memorable acronym we are all so familiar with “L-O-V-E”

“L” stands for “Let’s be friends.” I realize that compare to marriage on the rocks, friendship somehow lasts longer; it is more enduring. Friends can usually talk through the night. They can share anything under the sun. Generally, they are inseparable and every meeting always starts with hugs and ends with kisses or, in our local Asian context, well-wishing. So, I intend to tell this couple to forget about being husband and wife. Forget that they were once registered to be married. Forget about the wedding dinner, the well-adorned guests, the yam-seng toasts, or the honeymoon night. And forget about counting the ang- pows. “Let’s be friends” is the theme for them. Of course, friendships are not always smooth sailing but at the very least, they are always close. This is what the couple needs. They need to be close. They need to stay emotionally connected or engaged.

The first sign of an estranged marriage is when a couple becomes apathetic or disinterested about the welfare of the other. Friends always want to know how the other is doing. They express sincere interest in their affairs. So, I want this couple to put aside their matrimony garb and put on the friendship band. My purpose for suggesting this is to distract the couple. Because their relationship is so acrimonious, and this acrimony is a result of living together as husband and wife, they need to see things afresh and start on a new page as friends. This will invariably bring back fond memories. All of us, as married couples, starts our courtship as friends. Whether it is a blind-date, arranged match or a sudden realization that you are in love, we cannot forget those times when we were really good friends and sharing every waking (and even dreaming) moments with each other.

During those times, the world literally melts away, leaving the couple all alone against a background of shooting stars and falling comets. So, I am suggesting a mind-set change. I will tell the couple to take a walk down friendship lane. To think about the good times. To think about what made them the envy of their friends when they were so hopelessly and helplessly in love with each other. I hope this advice will help to thaw the past hurts, assuage the anger and restore some dignity in their relationship.

“O” stands for “Over means Over”. No, this is not about ending the marriage. This is about healing the emotional scars and wounds over the years. I believe the couple came to me because they were really hurt by what the other spouse has done. In actions or deeds, both must have felt deeply aggrieved and disappointed. Some may even be seething with unresolved anger and want a pound of flesh from the other. But the status quo cannot continue in this combative mode. Forgiveness is the only way to turn things around. And forgiveness is an act of will – for couples, it is an act of critical will. This is a time, a crucial time, for committing to a change.

A marriage expert once wrote that there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a marriage. They are as follows:-

1) You see your marital problem as severe

2) Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve the problems on your own.

3) You start leading parallel lives.

4) Loneliness sets in.

The last stage is the worst stage. When one spouse is lonely, he or she is most vulnerable, most suggestive, most combustive. This is why it is so important to arrest the problem by dealing with it rather than shelving it aside. We all know that the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. When couples lead parallel lives, or parallel realities, with neither reality ever meeting, then the marriage has effectively gone pariah (exile). If this continues, a separation or a divorce is just a matter of time. In fact, 80% of divorced men and women said their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness.

Therefore I will tell the couple to deal with the core issues and make individual changes in their lives accordingly. I believe that most breakups are caused by distrust. The culprit is always that old devil call suspicion. It always starts with some action or words that give rise to suspicion. I have dealt with many divorces and there are some cases where the husband had committed adultery. But what is surprising is that it is not the adultery per se that destroy the marriage. Many couples I know have survived and thrived after a deep betrayal of the heart. You see, a marriage can survive adultery but it cannot survive distrust and suspicion. Another cousin of suspicion is paranoia.

So, saying sorry to a marital slip of infidelity and meaning it is the first step. The crucial step is to forgive and thereafter, to live the marriage forward and not backward. This goes back to my advice to the couple this afternoon, “Over means Over”. Indeed, they must never look back. This will of course take time, usually 9 months. But I will warn the couple not to take too long or drag their feet about it. As humans, our emotional scars and hurts take time to heal. But every step must be a step forward and not backwards.

“Over means Over” means that we acknowledge that the pain and hurt are real. But they are not terminal. As long as the couple makes a consistent commitment to turn away from their ugly past and move forward, the marriage can be saved. In the case of adultery, the repentant spouse must strive to restore and build trust. In other words, the spouse must make it his or her personal mission to win back trust. As for the victim, she or he must forgive.

And forgiveness means to take out the sting of past hurts and disappointment. It will be inevitable for the victim to reminisce about the past and feel the pain of that betrayal. But as time goes by, and if he or she makes an effort to save the marriage, the pain or sting of the past memories will no longer paralyze or sabotage his or her martial resolve to build up their relationship. In the end, such consistent and sincere efforts to restore trust will be rewarded with a durable, resilient and happy marriage.

V stands for “Value conflicts, Value growth”. This is where I tell the couple to embrace conflicts. I know this sounds counterintuitive. But who has ever seen a perfect couple with perfect love and a perfect marriage? Let’s be honest. Conflict will be as much a part of our marriage as our in-laws (please don’t read this negatively). When two lives come together, expect differences of opinions, attitude and actions. These differences can either grow us as a couple or train wreck us. Remember it is not the arguments that destroy the relationship; it is how we end it that counts. Couples of long marriages usually end their arguments with greater understanding of each other. Somehow, they are content to know that they have differences and they do not let such differences take root in their hearts and allow them to grow into contempt.

If you juxtaposition two couples together and observe their dialogue, you can detect contempt like a rat can smoke out garbage. If you notice one couple talking about the other person’s faults or flaws and still be able to laugh about it, which may also include mutual teasing, then you know that they are generally a mature couple with strong marital fundamentals. It is not that they are perfect and that they do not argue. It is because they are able to resolve their differences with mutual respect and empathy that distinguish them from a couple who nitpicks on the other person’s faults and say, “oh, he’ll never change,” “she’s like that, hopeless,” “he makes me sick,” or “she is so wrong for me.” Such couple has already conditioned their heart to begrudge with contempt and everything that the other spouse does is always viewed with suspicion and distrust.

I will tell the couple this afternoon that when they argue in the future, and they inevitably will, they should not be obsessed with being right. This is hard to do. We men are obsessed with facts. We see issues, not person. We deal with black and white and not feelings. So, for us, the argument is resolved in full when the records are set straight, when the faults are assigned and the wrongs are righted. But women don’t work that way. They want a listening ear. They want understanding first before solution and we men usually don’t spend the time understanding; we spend more time dispensing. Therefore, I would suggest that we men polish up on being more emotionally intelligent and sensitive to our wives.

So, being right is not a must in a relationship because there is no such thing in the first place. In a heated argument, the blame is generally shared or apportioned. No partner is all right and the other all wrong. I believe an argument takes two to fan the flame. One-way fanning can never set the argument ablaze. So, both are equally guilty. There is thus no point in being obsessed with being right. In the middle of an argument, each of us should look at our own mirror and see where we went wrong and deal with it on the spot. Turn the spotlight on our thoughts and actions and pause for reflection. A sure argument-stopper, and possibly killer, is to pause and self-reflect. One author wrote, “If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try. Take twenty-minute break before continuing.”

In the end, what I am suggesting is; don’t go into an argument to change the other person’s mind; change yours first and you will see the change in the other’s, almost magically. Another way of putting it is; she will not change her mind if changing it changes nothing of yours. So, take personal responsibility and make the right choices by starting them on yourself and you will see how your marriage can grow stronger even in the midst of continual arguments.

E stands for “Ending each day with passion and starting it with discovery.” I believe that it takes a lifetime to know your spouse. She or he is put on earth for you to discover or uncover. This sounds too mushy for some. But this is a surefire way to sustain a long and meaningful marriage. I believe that true romance is not so much in the dating, the candle light dinner or the well-wrapped gift. It is in discovering a side of your partner that you didn’t know before. It can be some physical quirks, some talents she or he possesses or his or her aspiration and dreams shared. Whether a marriage is colorless or rainbow-full will depend on how much a couple shares his or her deepest goals, hopes and convictions with the other and, in turn, how much the other partner contributes to fulfilling them.

A marriage is indeed a partnership of mutually-satisfying and individually-enhancing aspirations. When I meet the couple this afternoon, I will tell them that it is their responsibility to nurture a home environment whereby they are free to share honestly about their dreams, ambitions and passion. At this level, it is not just about connecting emotionally or even mentally. It is a connection of a deeper level, a connection of two spirits into one.

An apt ending would be to borrow these words from an author, “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together – a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” Once the spiritual connection is made, once the souls are intertwined, the couple cannot help but to end each day with passion, love and hope.

The poem below was prepared for a wedding and I think the words are relevant to us as married couples and I dedicate it to all:-

“Draw upon God’s love to sustain your love for each other.

Let His love be like the morning sun that shines on everything in your life and makes all things clearer and beautiful.

This day is not the end of your committed love; don’t rest on your laurels.

This day is just the beginning of a wonderful love story,

With pages filled with what a love story would have –

Romance, communication, arguments, misunderstanding, reconciliation and intimacy.

End each of your marital days with these words, “I love you more.”

And start each day with these words, “I want to understand you more.’
Know that love is action, committed action – it cannot be anything else.

It cannot be feelings for it will not always be there.

It cannot be excitement; at least not all the time.

It cannot be diamonds and rings, pearls and things. Their values fluctuate.

Love is simply love. It costs little to love, but once lost, it can cost everything.

Don’t take each other for granted.

Don’t imagine for a moment that she doesn’t need hugs, kisses and physical touch.

Don’t imagine for a moment that he doesn’t need affirmation, support and understanding.

When two lives come together to live for the rest of their lives on earth, it is the greatest and, at the same time, the toughest commitment of all.

Trust me: You make it in your relationship, you make it anywhere.

Because love is the source of life.

Because love breathes meaning to all your pursuits.

Your material success is dry without love.

Your fame is hollow without love.

Your power is unsatisfying without love.

Finally, let God’s love be your motivation. Let it be your encouragement.

Live your life for a reason.

And the reason is to love unconditionally and give unreservedly even at the risk of being hurt because to so do, is to truly understand what it means to say, “We are created in His Image.”

And the greatest love is the love that goes all the way to Calvary, without question, without gain, without return.

God bless your love.

God bless your marriage.”

Ps: Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club – John Gottman and Nan Silver, authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.