Whistle series (180210)

Do you love your partner enough to stay faithful to her (him) for life? As a family lawyer for ten years, I have done my bit to end many marriages. Personally, some marriages, in the small minority, have been on “life-support” for so many years that its end is sadly long overdue. It’s like putting an old dog to sleep. These marriages usually endured the insufferable years because of the children. But most marriages do not deserve the same treatment. Their breakup is preventable. If given the effort and nurture, these marriages can take that all important step forward towards greater growth and intimacy. Alas, due to constant neglect, the marriage ages, ails and dies a most undeserving death.

I have learned that most marriages never broke up because of adultery, violence and long separation. The reason usually goes deeper. It is usually a long process which involves emotional distancing, contemptuous contemplation and physical disgust. And like a black hole sucking up everything, once a couple develops these three characteristics, everything gets construed in a negative way and becomes hardwired to fail. This is a vicious cycle that reinforces itself until one spouse finally pronounces the death sentence, “I can’t stand the sight of him.” or “I don’t feel anything for her, not at all.” or “He is just plain disgusting to me.” When this happens, adultery is just a convenient slide away.

Andrew Marshall, the author of the book Can I ever trust him again?, offers this simple equation that captures the reason why a spouse commits the gravest sin of marriage: Marital Problems + Poor Communication + Temptation = Adultery. Every marriage has its hard times. This has already been encapsulated in the marriage vows. All couples have been adequately forewarned that a marriage has its price tag and it is a price you pay by “installment” over the years, so to speak. Marital hard times come in many forms. There is the usual give-and-take of marriage. There are the transient lover’s quarrels. And there are the heated arguments. But contrary to popular beliefs, these unpleasant exchanges need not threaten the foundation of a marriage. The issues can be dealt with maturely and positively if the marriage is essentially strong. A strong marriage turns such confrontation into a learning experience and the apologies that follow usually strengthen the marital union rather than undermine it. After the verbal conflict, the couple starts to adjust their expectations of each other and change their individual attitude towards the partner. As they do this, their love grows deeper, stronger and more resilient.

But how do you build up a strong marriage? The best advice on this comes from a couple for 43 years and authors of the book, Building a love that lasts: the Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage. They are Dr Charles D. Schmitz and Dr Elizabeth A. Schmitz. These seven secrets are deemed surprising because they are extremely simple yet effective. They are largely a secret because little attention are paid to them due to their simplicity. But however you look at it, these seven secrets are tried and tested and many couples in successful marriages of more than 30 years (some even 60 years), whether consciously or subconsciously, practiced them, yes, every one of them on a daily basis. They are doing them even as I penned these words. I guess anyone could have come up with these seven so called secrets, but the sad part of it all is that they have done little to apply them in their daily marital realities. Let me briefly list them down here.

1^st Secret: It takes two to tango. This is all about sharing interests, feeling, ideas and memories, compromising to form mutually agreeable decisions and mutual helpfulness and support. This is the backbone of a marriage. Like oxygen, a couple cannot stop the sharing process. In addition, any major decision in a marriage has to be made by giving up certain personal interests. This is called compromising. One spouse has to let go of his interest in order to advance the other spouse’s interest. It may not always be a win-win decision for the spouse giving up his or her interest but it is definitely a win-win for the marriage as a whole. Lastly, a good marriage is about lending a helping hand, being there for him or her, and giving the other spouse a listening ear without saying a word in return. This is what it is called “unspoken understanding.”

2^nd Secret: No Sacred Cows. In other words, there are no secrets between the couples. These couples of more than 30 years share everything with each other. Some of them have even been married for 60 years and they have not stopped communicating like newly weds. They just cannot imagine keeping any secrets from each other. I think the point here is to always keep the channels of communication open and free, and always two-ways.

3^rd Secret: the Golden Rule. This is about mutual respect. Do not do to your spouse what you do not want done to you. Some examples are keeping your wife waiting for you, keeping the toilet seat down while peeing, and insisting that you are right and making sure your partner acknowledges it, even grudgingly. One thing worth noting is that your spouse sometimes needs his or her own privacy and we have to respect that. Privacy is defined as “the opportunity to belong only to yourself.” In every successful marital union, there are a few closet moments for quiet self-reflection and rejuvenation and these are intensely private and personal moments that we must give deference to.

4^th Secret: Your Body is your Castle. Needless to say, no good marriage should be short-lived. The couples would want to share every moments together including growing old together and enjoying the fruits of their passion. And keeping fit, eating healthy and exercising regularly are the keys to a long and healthy life - not to mention, a vibrant and happy marriage.

5^th Secret: Filing a Joint Return. I think a quote from the authors of the book is illuminating. “Since when is the money earned in two-wage-earner families your money, my money, your bills, my bills, your house, my house? In our research, the money earned by married couples is “our money”. It is most unfortunate when couples take a two-chequebook attitude, since it is probably indicative of other divisive issues in their marriage as well. Such a notion communicates a lack of trust.” Personally, I only have a working account for payment of all household expenses with a little on the side for my unquenchable appetite for books. The remainder of my monthly salary is transferred to my wife and I trust her to be my able money mistress tending to all other financial needs.

6^th Secret: The Loving Touch. The author calls touching a Morse Code, a substitute for language and the expression of feeling. Indeed, a touch, a hug, a kiss and a squeeze are all expressions of physical intimacy and the responses are always mutual. No partner can resist a soft touch, a warm hug or a tender kiss. Touching your spouse in those ways can be a magical experience for all. Most of all, it is an expression of love and the reward is closeness and assuring comfort. Next comes the S word – Sex. It is important to engage in physical intimacy regularly. Remember that the pleasure of sex is not only in the orgasm or ejaculation. It is also in the pre-orgasmic stage of mutual teasing, naughty role-playing, tickling and tingling massages, passionate kissing and creative foreplay. But note that the authors had found that although all couples believe that sex is important, it is not central to the success of their long marriages. At the end of the day, it is about their relationship on a deeper, more meaningful level. It is the intimate sharing, years of overcoming life’s issues and growing together despite the marital pressures that are prized above all sensory pleasures.

7^th Secret: Beyond Boring. This is the last open secret. No successful marriages are predictable, boring and routine. Couples of long marriages always strive to plant surprises along the way. Birthdays and anniversaries are never dull. You can say that the couples live for the next marital high. The adventure always takes them to unexpected places, thrilling rides and humorous twists. They laugh often. Treasure each other’s company. And enjoy doing the routine like cleaning the car or doing housework because they make it fun. So, making your marriage exciting takes some effort, some planning and some sacrificing, but the reward is always more than worth the labor of love.

Let me leave you with this quote from Dr Leo Buscaglia that I think says it well about the magical awe of a marital union that lasts a lifetime. “When I take you into my life, I have four legs, four arms, four hands, two wonderful bodies, and two heads. I also double my chances for joy, love and wonderment.”

Whistle series (120210)

How much should we change to please our partner? I guess this is the leading burning question for the week. I ask this question because of a recent incident involving a teenager. She was prepared to undergo a $12,000 surgery to reconstruct her face so that she could look as aesthetically close to Jessica Alba as surgically possible. She confessed that she is doing it so that she could win her ex-boyfriend back. You see, her ex-boyfriend had apparently dumped her on the most superficial ground: her looks, her physical appearance. We can all debate about the foolishness of such a decision until kingdom come but we cannot escape answering the question I asked earlier: How much should we change to please our partner? Of course, some would be put off by this question. It seems so one-sided, unfair and unidirectional. Why should I bother to change just to please him or her? Shouldn’t it be the other way round? The more discerning amongst us would phrase the question differently. Shouldn’t it be a two-way street? Both must change for the better for each other? Doesn’t a successful marriage take two?

Well, a marriage indeed takes two to make it work. The union is nevertheless about two lives merging into one flourishing whole. But sometimes, in some marriages, over the long enduring years, the hearts have grown tired, faint and discouraged. I believe that there is no relationship as oxymoronic as marriage. It is the hardest struggle to keep a marriage but it is also the most rewarding. I think this catchphrase captures the sentiment well: “Nothing that is worth achieving in this life is going to be easy.” And making marriage work is the most rewarding of all endeavors and yet it is also the most demanding, physically and emotionally. A marriage can be as wild as an impetuous, rebellious child where one spouse’s needs must always be first at the expense of the other spouse. Or a marriage can be as rock solid as a cornerstone where the couple are always looking out for each other to ensure that the other spouse’s needs are met before his or hers. In between these two extremes are most marriages. A famous feminist writer once wrote, “Today the problem that has no name is how to juggle work, love, home and children.”

Well, if I may put a name to this age-old problem, it would be “loveless relationships”. A lot of us are trapped in a loveless marriage or relationship. I think the worse kind of relationship is to be “dis-engagingly involved”. Another oxymoronic term? This happens when we are in a relationship out of obligation. We are imprisoned by the marriage covenant. Imagine the plight of Jacob when he spent seven years to work for his dream girl, Rachel, only to find out that his future father-in-law had duped him into marrying her less pleasant looking older sister, Leah! Well, Jacob may have been cheated by his father-in-law to marry Leah but, in doing so, he had unknowingly punished Leah by keeping up with the appearance of a marriage without truly loving her in return. In other words, Jacob was trapped in a loveless marital relationship with Leah and the latter was made the victim of this unfortunate union. Well, I guess nothing is more heartbreaking than to be sleeping with your husband while he dreams of another woman.

Of course, the story of Jacob is pushing marital realities to the extreme. None of us can say that we are actually “duped” by our father-in-law to marry someone other than our chosen bride at the altar. Our circumstances are obviously different from Jacob’s. We married by autonomous choice. In other words, we married with our eyes and hearts opened. We chose our bride or bridegroom for the “corniest” of all reasons: Because we love her/him. So, I can safely say that when we unveiled our bride at the altar, it was “Rachel” beaming at us and not “Leah”. You can therefore say that we have got a 7 years good head-start as compared to Jacob. But a start is just a start. What would the middle of our marriage be, or the end of it shows? Beloved, a good start does not mean a happy ending. What is missing in most marriages is unconditional love. Another corny reason?

Our love becomes unconditional when we raise no expectation from our life partner. Our love becomes unconditional when we put his or her interests above our own. Our love becomes unconditional when we choose to see the good in our life partner despite the flaws and focus on nurturing the good so that it overshadows all his or her flaws. For it has been said, “What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is always beautiful.” We all know that God is good and therefore He is always beautiful. And because we are all created in His image, God’s beauty resides in us without exception. Can we therefore see the good in our life partner? Beloved, our spouse has a beauty inside that is waiting to be unearthed, can you spare the time and the discipline to discover it?

This reminds me of an anecdote from one of America’s most enterprising empire-builders, Andrew Carnegie. He was once asked, “How did he develop men to become so valuable?” Mr Carnegie replied, “You develop people in the same way you mine gold. When you mine gold, you must literally move tons of dirt to find a single ounce of gold. However, you do not look for the dirt – you look for the gold!” Do we see the gold in our life partner, or we just see the overwhelming dirt that hides the gold?

Let me suggest that we plant seed everyday to make our marriage work and flourish. By seed, I mean an acronym for “Selfless, Emotionally-Engaging Discipline”. However you see it, a marriage is nevertheless a form of discipline. It takes a consistent, focused effort to make it work. It cannot therefore depend on fleeting feelings because like a bad hair day, feelings fluctuate. We need to rekindle the passion by making marriage the beginning of courtship and not the end. The pursuit should and must never end with a kiss at the altar. Maybe we should see our marriage as the start of another pursuit and it is the pursuit to know more about our life partner. Make your discovery last a lifetime because it takes a lifetime to learn from each other.

In this pursuit, let’s be selfless. This is of course easy to vocalize but hard to actualize. But the seed I urge you to plant starts with a small, insignificant act that ultimately culminates to something formidably effective at the end. One thing I learned about life is this: Big changes come after small ones. I guess the first step to becoming selfless is to put your spouse’s interests first. It also involves respecting what she or he has to say. Lastly, it requires your unwavering support for and understanding of him or her. It is said that the secret to ultimate happiness is the conviction that you’re loved. All of us want to be loved. This is the reason why we survive and thrive on this earth. In fact, most marriages fail not because of an increase in conflict but a perpetual decrease in affection and emotional responsiveness. Beloved, don’t take the natural path to emotional decay by sinking deeper and deeper into a loveless marriage. Renew your passion daily. Celebrate your love for each other ostentatiously. And continually acknowledge and respect each other’s deepest and most personal hopes and dreams. Remember there is a beauty in all of us that awaits discovery. So, make the effort to discover it and see your love for each other soar to greater heights of passion!

Lastly, we come to the emotional aspect of seed. When we make every effort and discipline to set ablaze our passion for each other, we become emotionally engaged with our life partner and genuine love will gush forward like a broken dam. This is not an everyday experience of course. The rough and tough realities of life will conspire together to ensure that we do not experience endless, boundless passion. But, having said that, I’d like to add that the rough and tough realities of life should not in any way damper our passion for each other. If we resolve to make our marriage work, no price is too much for us to pay and no efforts are too hard for our undertaking. Remember what I said earlier, “It is the hardest struggle to keep a marriage but it is also the most rewarding.”

So, you are deserving of a successful marriage and it is therefore your responsibility to make it so. Let me end with this touching quote from Dr Joyce Brothers, “Love is something we all yearn for, and to live and be loved is the most blissful state imaginable. But what is love? The best definition, I feel, is caring as much for the aims and welfare of another person as you do about your own aims and well-being. During my late husband’s long illness, I realized that I would have gladly given up my own life if his would be saved, and I knew how deeply a woman could love. Too many people mistake the sweaty palms and dizzy exhilaration of a romantic encounter for love.”